


Online Dating

by Tea_is_not_leaf_juice



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Sex, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Foreplay, Healing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Armin Arlert/Reiner Braun - Freeform, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:18:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_is_not_leaf_juice/pseuds/Tea_is_not_leaf_juice
Summary: After finding himself caught between the soul-crushing depression of having no friends, and the anxiety that prevents him from making new ones, Armin Arlert must decide if he wants to take the plunge and go on date, or continue to wallow in his lonely misery.This story highlights the affects mental health disorders can have on a person and follows Armin on his road to self-discovery and the budding romance that just might make all the difference.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided that I needed a short break from Blood and Magic because I want to keep my writing fresh and my mind not so narrowly focused. To anyone that is waiting for Blood and Magic updates, I haven't abandoned that story. It is still very important to me. 
> 
> To those that are just here for this story, I sincerely hope you enjoy Armin's journey. It's based largely on my own experiences and some things that I've seen others go through as well. 
> 
> As a side note, the non-con that is tagged is in no way meant to be sexy or glorified, and it isn't treated as such. It doesn't happen in this chapter and I'll try to remember to put a warning at the beginning of the chapter that it happens/is mentioned. 
> 
> Now enough from me. I'll let you read.

The dim light of his iPhone screen lit up Armin's face under his thick blankets. It was two o'clock in the morning and the 22-year-old once again, couldn't sleep. He scrolled through his various messages on Grindr trying to weed out the people he had no interest in talking to. He had never messaged anyone first, finding that he didn't really need to, as so many other men had taken the initiative. Armin ignored most of them, especially the ones that started a conversation with explicitly sexual comments. Some of the men seemed nice, and Armin enjoyed talking to them, but eventually, he always ended things when they became more insistent about meeting up. The guilt ate away at him as he talked to each new person, knowing that things could never go further than idol online chatting. It didn't seem fair to lead them on, but Armin was lonely. So lonely that he was willing to sacrifice his morals to feed a part of himself in the only way he knew how. Anonymous online chatting. He wasn't sure why he'd picked Grindr, of all places, to chat when there were plenty of other websites and apps that didn't have such sexually explicit expectations. Armin wondered why he felt more of a need to scope out potential boyfriends than just casual chums, especially knowing that he'd never meet anyone in person. However, each time the thought came to mind, he pushed it away, trying not to over analyze himself. Armin over analyzed everything. Every potential outcome of the things he did or said. What other people must think of him and how he had to move back in with his grandfather when he couldn't make it in basic training after joining the military to stay close to his only two friends, Eren and Mikasa. Since moving back in, Armin fell into a deep depression that, coupled with his preexisting anxiety, kept him from leaving his bedroom, much less the house. He was starved for attention, and his grandfather wasn't enough. 

Armin's grandfather meant well, but his utter lack of understanding of mental health lead to communication issues with his only grandson. He simply couldn't grasp why Armin couldn't snap himself out of it, or why his therapist and medication weren't curing him. He didn't understand why Armin couldn't drive himself anymore or why he only ever ate in his room. He tried to push his grandson to be more active and to get out of the house, but that only seemed to make him secluded himself more. Overall, Armin's life had fallen apart and he didn't have the support he needed to pull himself together and pick up the pieces. He clung to his conversations online where he could pretend to be more stable than he was and no one had to know how crippling his anxiety had become. 

"Hey, how have you been?" A new message popped up on Armin's phone. It was from a guy that Armin had been talking to for a couple months now. At first their conversations were largely small talk, but eventually, they began talking more in depth about some of the books they had both read and contemplated the universe and what happened after death. It was the kind of conversation Armin enjoyed the most, and even though he still talked to a few other people through his app, none of them compared to his conversations with the man he knew only by his online name, Knight104. It wasn't very original, but Armin didn't care. Their conversations more than spoke for the level of depth the other man could think on. 

"I can't sleep. So, the usual." Armin typed back immediately. He was glad for the opportunity to talk to his knight. "Did you just get off work?" 

"Yeah. Long day. But talking to you always makes it better." Knight replied right away. 

Armin smiled to himself without thinking. It was a small reprieve from his depression. "You make my night better too. I was hoping I would get to talk to you before I fell asleep." His response was more genuine than with the others. He truly did look forward to talking with Knight ever day. 

"Well, here I am. What do you want to talk about? ;)" 

"I don't know. Anything. I'm so bored." 

"You say that often. Maybe sometime I could take you out to break up your boredom?" Knight asked. It wasn't the first time he'd proposed the idea, but each time Armin turned him down it didn't seem to discourage Knight. Knight didn't pressure Armin like most of the others. He let Armin set the pace, and wasn't offended when his offers were declined.

Armin frowned at his phone and tucked a stray blonde lock of hair behind his ear as he thought of how to respond. "I don't know... I can't really afford to go out." Armin typed how he really felt and let his thumb hover over the send button. It wasn't a yes, but he knew his reply could easily be worked around. Did he actually want to meet this guy? He was attractive in his picture, and the way he spoke online made him seem like a good candidate for a potential friend at least. Armin started to get his hopes up as he thought, but it only took a minute for his mind to turn to the worst case scenario. What if Knight was really an old man that wanted to kidnap him, or rape him, or kill him? What if he was being catfished and wouldn't be able to get home? What if he actually had a good time and they hit it off really well and nothing horrible happened? Certainly, then he would be expected to go on more dates, and what if his anxiety wouldn't let him? What if he stood Knight up completely and then Knight stopped talking to him? Would Armin survive without their late night conversations? 

"I don't mind paying. I make decent money and I don't spend a lot of it." Armin looked back down when he heard his alert tone. His blue eyes widened as he stared at the screen. At some point during his worrying, he'd accidentally pressed send and now Knight was offering to pay for him. Armin's fingers hovered over the keys on his phone, but he couldn't think of what to say. His mind was completely blank as he was caught between wanting to go and wanting to delete his app and pretend like nothing had ever happened. 

"You mentioned you like coffee. We could go to a coffee shop just to meet at first. It will be really low pressure." Knight continued. "You can pick the place." 

Armin read the next message and cringed. How was this happening? How had he let this happen? How was he supposed to respond? His heart was beating faster in his chest and his breathing was starting to come in short, shallow gasps. Suddenly he was too hot and his head was spinning. He flung his covers back as his phone dropped out of his hand. He was shaking and felt frozen in place as his mind raced at the speed of light through every scenario he could think of. He was catastrophising the whole situation and it felt like he couldn't stop. He was alone and scared and no one was coming to his rescue. Grandpa was asleep and Eren and Mikasa were in another country with very limited access to the outside world. 

*******

The next thing Armin knew, it was late morning and he was curled up on his bed in a tangle of blankets. He didn't remember going to sleep, and he couldn't remember what happened the night before. He looked around for his phone, which wasn't in its normal charging spot. The blonde slowly rubbed his eyes and peeled the blankets away to get out of bed. When he swung his feet onto the floor, he felt something hit his toes. It was his phone laying on the fuzzy rug by his bed. Armin bent over to pick it up and tapped the screen to check the time. He saw that he'd received several messages from Knight 104 from the previous night. He opened them immediately and after reading them he remembered what had happened the night before. He'd had a panic attack over being asked out for coffee. Armin groaned as he chastised himself for the absurdity of freaking out over something so simple. "I'm such an idiot." He muttered to himself as he heard a knock on the door, and his doorknob turn. 

"Armin, we have to leave in an hour for your appointment. You should shower today. Your hair is greasy looking." Grandpa said, poking his head into the room. 

Armin just nodded and stood up slowly. He'd tried asking his grandfather not to just enter his room, but it didn't seem to have sunk in. At least they'd progressed to him knocking first. 

"And your room is filthy. When was the last time you took your dishes downstairs or did your laundry? You can't live in your pajamas, Armin." Grandpa added. 

"I know. I'll fix it when we get back." Armin promised though he wasn't sure he could actually carry out his commitment. He usually felt emotionally overwhelmed after his therapy appointments, and he always secluded himself further, usually with a long nap. 

"I hope so. You're going to attract rats if you don't keep things clean." Grandpa said before closing the door behind him. Armin just sighed and went to his closet to pick out some clothes. He wrinkled his nose when he realized that the only clean clothes left in his closet, were his least favorite pair of dark gray skinny jeans and a pale blue sweater that highlighted where his waist dipped inward. 

"Grandpa's gonna tell me I look like a girl again." Armin grimaced as he laid his clothes out on his messy bed and grabbed his bathrobe to take to the bathroom for a shower. 

"You've lost more weight," Grandpa said a bit critically as Armin walked downstairs after taking his sweet time getting ready. "After your therapy, I'm taking you out to lunch. I want to make sure you eat this time." 

"Oh...that's okay, you don't have to. Let's just come home afterward." Armin gave a forced smile. He really didn't want to go out to lunch. There were too many people in restaurants and his grandfather always ran into old friends. 

"No. I insist. Now let's go." Grandpa took Armin by the wrist and lead him out the door, not giving him the chance to turn back and hide. Despite the fact that he knew going to therapy was good for him, Armin had already decided that today was going to be a very long, awful day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin goes to his therapy appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to warn you guys that some of the tags may change to include other triggering topics. Please keep a look out for that as you read the updated chapters. Please keep in mind that I'm tagging the basics, not every little detail because I don't want to give away my whole story like that. There are some topics that are triggering to some and not others, and while I will do my best to warn you about what I think may be a trigger, I'm not perfect and I can't guarantee that I'm not going to miss something. Please read responsibly.

The air was brisk and cool, but the promise of spring could be found in the tiny buds on the cherry tree in Grandpa's suburban front yard. Armin shivered and pulled his hands into his sweater as his grandfather led him to the driveway and unlocked his cream colored Buick. Armin slid into the passenger seat and put on his seatbelt as his grandfather started the engine. They backed out of the driveway in silence, starting yet another awkward road trip like most of Armin's appointments. The uneasy feeling Armin had both made him wish he could drive himself, and remember why he couldn't. He stared back at his own Atomic Blue Honda Civic longingly as they turned down the block, heading towards the highway. His car had been a graduation gift from his grandfather. They had picked it out together and even drove an hour out of their way to make sure Armin could get the color he wanted. It was a happy memory of a time when Armin could be spontaneous and have fun with his grandfather, even in stressful situations. Not only could he drive but he could drive himself home from a town he'd never been to before. Armin's car was a symbol of freedom for him, and seeing it sit in the driveway day after day broke his heart.

"Armin." Grandpa cleared his throat to start a conversation Armin was certain he didn't want to have. "I've been doing some reading into mental illness and I found something that made me wonder about you." 

Armin rolled his eyes as he stared out the window so his grandfather couldn't see it. "What were you wondering about?" He asked, taking the bait even though he didn't want to. Conversations like this never ended well. Mostly they started with his grandfather giving him unnecessary advice, and lead to personal questions that Armin didn't want to answer. 

"Do you tell your therapist everything? You've been seeing Doctor Smith for a while now, but you haven't made much progress. He can't help you if you aren't open and honest with him. I know you won't talk to me even though I've offered, so I hope you're at least letting _someone_ help you." Grandpa said with a hint of exasperation in his voice. 

Armin tried hard not to be offended. He really did. His grandfather had done so much for him already by housing him and feeding him and paying for anything Armin might need, including clothes, toiletries, and even his cellphone bill. Deep down, Armin knew his grandfather just wanted to help, and all he was really asking was for Armin to let him in a little so that maybe he could understand why Armin was so miserable. Yet, there were many things Armin wasn't ready to tell anyone. He had his own deep dark secrets that he didn't even share with Eren. Not totally. He was too ashamed of himself and to let them in now after all this time felt almost worse than if he'd been upfront, to begin with. 

"Armin, don't cry. It was just a question. Man up and don't let things get to you so much. I just want to make sure you're getting the most you can out of your time in each session." Grandpa said as he glanced over at his fragile looking grandson and only family left. 

_Man up._ Those words always hurt. It was right up there with _snap out of it_ and _you need to get out more._ The list of phrases that Armin hated could go on forever, and he heard them nearly every day. 

"Maybe you should see someone else? If Doctor Smith isn't helping, maybe it's time to find someone who can?" Grandpa offered another opinion. 

"No! No, I can't! I have to keep seeing him! I can't... I can't tell anyone else what he knows! I can't say those things again! I just can't!" Armin was on the verge of panic and his tears rolled down his cheeks even faster as he tried to hold back another panic attack. 

"Calm down, Armin. I didn't say you had to, I was just making a suggestion. Though I can't imagine what could be so traumatizing that you can't just talk about it with someone new. What do you really have to be upset about? Was it something that happened in basic training?" 

_Calm down. What do you really have to be upset about?_ More hurtful words that cut deep. They were just another indication of the communication gap the two of them had. 

"You were always a nervous child and it seemed to get worse in high school, but I thought that was just because of all the bullying, and graduation pressure. What happened that caused this?" Grandpa kept talking despite Armin's continued crying and lack of speaking. The prodding had started and it only caused Armin to shut his grandfather out more. 

How could he possibly relay what had caused all this? It wasn't just one thing like his grandfather had expected. It was a combination of many things, from biological predisposition, to traumatic events over time that triggered his anxiety in a huge way. "You...you wouldn't understand." Armin whimpered as he saw the outpatient clinic come into view. 

"What wouldn't I understand? You can't know that until you tell me. Please, Armin. I want to help." Grandpa sighed as he placed a comforting hand on Armin's shoulder. 

Armin flinched away as a look of fear briefly came over his face. He quickly opened the car door before grandpa had even parked. "I have to go!" He said desperately as he hopped out and dashed into the building. He was fifteen minutes early, so he ducked into the bathroom first, hoping to be able to calm down. He'd had countless sessions where he just cried the whole time and then left feeling like he had so much more to say. He didn't want that to happen again so he locked himself in the bathroom stall, hoping to get all of his crying out of the way before his appointment. 

After a few minutes of wiping away his tears as silently as possible, Armin heard the bathroom door open and another person enter. Try as he might, Armin couldn't totally muffle his distress. He was overwhelmed with everything his grandfather had said, plus the irrational fear that was building of his grandfather actually kicking him out onto the street because he wouldn't change therapists. He sniffled into the sleeve of his sweater and balled up some toilet paper to blow his runny nose into. 

"Hey, Armin are you okay?" A soft voice came from the other side of the stall door, causing Armin to go completely silent for a moment as his heart pounded even harder. "It's me, Marco. We're the only ones in here. Do you want to talk?" He asked, trying to be sensitive to Armin's need for privacy. 

Armin slowly opened the stall door and looked up at the taller man with a splattering of freckles over his face. When Armin first met Marco it was in this same building and he was trying not to stare. The man before him was a young veteran who was missing most of his arm and leg on his right side. The right side of his face was badly scared and his hearing was compromised on that side as well. After a few weeks of sitting in the waiting room together to see their respective therapists, Marco had introduced himself and offered to let Armin touch his prosthetics. At first, Armin was embarrassed, but ultimately, he was impressed with their mechanism and how well adjusted Marco seemed to be despite the trauma he'd obviously been through. 

"How did you know it was me?" Armin asked as he rubbed his red, puffy eyes. 

"Your shoes." Marco smiled and glanced down at Armin's white converse. They were covered in hand-written quotes from authors that Armin had enjoyed reading in high school and still enjoyed to this day. 

"Yeah...I need new ones. These are so old and kind of embarrassing." Armin blushed and looked away. 

"I wouldn't say that. I think they're neat. They're unique to you and very expensive. I like them." Marco said encouragingly. 

Armin gave Marco a small smile and nodded. "It's good to see you again. Did you have a good appointment?" He evaded Marcos first question without even thinking. He'd been deflecting for so long, he didn't notice he was doing it anymore. 

"It wasn't too bad. Mike is uh... challenging? He wants me to spend time looking in the mirror." Marco replied, looking grim. Despite the plastic surgery he'd had to reduce his scarring, Marco was still having a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing only half of his face looking like it did before joining the Military. 

"I'm sorry. I know that must be painful." Armin replied, feeling empathy for his friend. "But I know you can get through it. Mike wouldn't have you do it if you weren't ready." He added encouragement as the bathroom door opened and another person entered the room. 

"There you are, Armin. I saw your grandfather in the waiting area. It's time for your appointment. Are you alright?" A tall, muscular man with combed-back blonde hair and very prominent eyebrows asked the much smaller blonde. He nodded at Marco and smiled at both of them. 

"I'm...I'm okay, I guess, Erwin," Armin said uncertainly. He really wasn't very okay, but he was no longer panicking like he was several minutes ago. "I'll see you later, Marco. Thanks for talking to me." 

"No problem. See you next week, Armin." Marco waved as Armin left the bathroom with Erwin right behind him. 

After taking his usual seat by the frosted glass window in the warm, brown leather armchair, Armin sighed as his body recognized the familiar safe zone. Despite the many times, Armin had cried in session by discussing the most sensitive parts of his past, he still identified this room as safe. He knew Erwin wouldn't push him past his breaking point and that he would always be safe in his presence, even if his mind was in painful turmoil. At first, his therapist seemed intimidating and overwhelming, but Armin soon learned that he was actually a very caring man when it came to his patients. 

"How was your week, Armin?" Erwin asked after settling into the chair across from Armin. He always started out their sessions that way while observing his anxious patient. Sometimes Armin took a long time to answer and spent several minutes looking around the room at the various plants and artwork on the walls, but sometimes he jumped right in. That usually only happened when Armin had something to report that he felt proud of or happy about. Lately, however, it was taking more and more effort to get Armin to participate in their sessions. 

"Have you been keeping up with your medications?" Erwin tried a more direct line of questioning when Armin didn't respond. 

"I...mostly," Armin said very quietly while looking down at his shoes. 

"Mostly?" Erwin asked, hoping to prompt Armin for more. 

"Well...I'm pretty good at taking them with dinner like I'm supposed to, but...I've kinda been putting off my anti-anxiety one when I don't want to go to sleep," Armin admitted. 

"Why don't you want to go to sleep?" Erwin continued to prompt Armin. He felt it best if the patients did the majority of the talking. 

"I...well...there's...I just..." Armin took a deep breath. Despite how long he'd been doing it, he'd never divulged that he'd been using the Grindr app on his phone to anyone. He knew it was safe to tell Erwin, but it still felt ridiculous to say out loud. "There's someone that I've been talking to. Online. He usually works till late so he can't talk until after midnight or even two in the morning sometimes." 

If Erwin was surprised, he didn't show it. "How did you meet this person?" 

Armin felt his face and ears heating up. "Grindr..." he whispered. 

"Armin...are you looking for a boyfriend?" Erwin asked curiously. He already knew that Armin was gay, but as far as he was aware, he was one of very few that were entrusted with that knowledge. 

"I was lonely!" Armin said defensively as he internally berated himself for acting so impulsively and irresponsibly. _I'm an idiot! Why did I think this was a good idea! Erwin's going to think I'm desperate and pathetic! He's going to tell me to stop talking to Knight because I'm not ready. I'm not ready, and I went ahead and downloaded that stupid app anyway!_ Armin's international dialogue was jumbled as his thoughts raced and turned into negative emotions. 

"It's okay to be lonely and seek out someone," Erwin replied, interrupting Armin's thoughts. "Honestly, I think it's great that you're reaching out. It shows progress." 

Armin looked up in shock, surprised that Erwin was encouraging him. "But, I'm not ready for a relationship! I can't have sex! I can barely leave my bed!" 

"Armin, you don't have to be in a relationship or have sex with anyone you don't want to." Erwin reminded. "Did this person you're talking to ask for those things?" 

"N-no." 

"Do you think you can just be friends?" 

"We...we haven't even met in person yet..." Armin whispered. 

"Do you want to meet him in person?" 

"Maybe? He's been asking if we could. I...I kinda want to, but I'm too scared. I don't want to have an anxiety attack when I meet him, he doesn't even know I have anxiety! He'll probably be disappointed that I wasted his time." Armin leaned forward in the chair and covered his face with his hands while his elbows rested on his knees. 

"Armin, you don't know that it will happen like that. You're assuming and Catastrophizing again. Do you honestly think that this person you've befriended online would react that way?" Erwin asked, trying to gently remind Armin that there was a difference between reality and what his anxiety told him would happen. 

"Probably not..." Armin took a deep breath. "But I've never even talked to him in person, what if he's totally different than he is on Grindr?" 

"What if he is?" Erwin asked. "What will you do then?" 

Armin frowned and kept his eyes averted. "I'd just go home I guess." He mumbled, hating that Erwin was making him realize that meeting Knight could be less of a big deal than he had built it up in his mind to be. It wasn't so much that he didn't want to come to that conclusion, but more that he was angry with himself for not seeing it on his own. It made him feel weak. 

"That's an excellent plan." Erwin nodded. "Now where could you meet him that you would feel safe, and leave easily if you needed to?" 

"I don't know. I don't really go out so...I'm not very familiar with places anymore." Armin leaned back in his chair and sunk down further into it. He was getting fidgety. 

"What about going on those walks we talked about? You said that you wanted to walk to a local coffee shop. Would you feel comfortable there?" Erwin asked. He knew a public setting was the safest place for Armin to meet someone he didn't know, but he was also thrilled that Armin was seeking out people on his own. 

"I...I haven't gone on any of the walks!" Armin started to cry. He was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the idea of meeting Knight, mixed with his recently brought up feelings of weakness. His hands covered his face and his shoulders shook, from the intensity of his emotions. "I...I just c-can't go out! I don't want to tell Grandpa that I'm doing it. He asks so many questions. I'm afraid to go out at night when he's in bed, because what if something happens?" Armin whimpered as all the reasons that were holding him back swirled around in his mind. "Besides, I don't have money for coffee! It's pointless! It's pointless because I'm worthless!" 

"You're not worthless, Armin," Erwin said softly, but firmly. "You just have to work through everything that's holding you back. You're still making progress. I'm very proud of you for branching out."

Armin's sobs started to subside and he reached over for a tissue on the table beside him to blow his nose. 

"Let's see if we can work through some of the things that are holding you back from your walks?" Erwin asked and waited for Armin to nod his consent. "How about instead of coffee, you walk to a park? Is there a park near your house?" 

"Y-yeah... I used to go there as a kid." Armin said softly and dried his eyes on the sleeve of his sweater. 

"Do you think you can walk there? Would you be willing to?" 

"I...think so." Armin nodded and looked back up at his therapist. The park was a lot closer than the coffee shop and suddenly seemed much more doable. He was finally ready to work on solving the problem instead of letting it consume him. 

Once his session was over, Erwin led a red-faced Armin out into the waiting room to meet his grandfather. Despite the initial tears, Armin had agreed to try going on one short walk for five minutes before his appointment next week. They had worked through all of Armin's worst case scenarios and the young blonde was feeling more in control now. 

"Are you ready for lunch?" Grandpa asked, a smile lifting his mustache. 

Armin nodded. He still wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he felt a little calmer after finally revealing his online friendship. It was a bit of a weight off his shoulders, even if he was still unsure about meeting Knight, he had decided, with Erwin's help, that he did want to meet him.

"Why don't we go to Dot's Diner for lunch?" Grandpa asked as he patted Armin's shoulder and lead him out of the office. "I'll buy you a milkshake." 

Armin smiled grimly as he got into the car. While the milkshakes at his grandfather's favorite diner were the best he'd ever had, the company was somewhat lacking in his opinion. Dot Pixis, the owner of the diner, was an old friend of Grandpa's and always stopped at their table to have a nice long chat. The fact that they hadn't gone there in a while, only made Dot's appearance that much more inevitable. "Okay." Armin finally agreed as he buckled his seatbelt and tried to mentally prepare himself for social anxiety that was sure to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, this chapter was to your liking and not too boring. I'm still trying to set up the kind of life Armin has before I get into the more dramatic and exciting stuff. Let me know what you think and if you feel I'm doing a good job. I'm really going for authenticity here, so if you have feedback, I'd love to hear from you. I always reply!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin and his grandfather attempt to enjoy a day out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I think I can write a multi-chapter story that isn't a slow burn, I prove myself wrong. I'm sure you're all wanting to see some of Jean soon. Me too! Hopefully, we get to him in the next chapter or so, but I didn't want to skip the lead-up.
> 
> This chapter contains self-harm references. Please be aware that this isn't the only time they will be mentioned. I don't want to trigger anyone, so please read responsibly.

"How did your session go?" Grandpa asked as he pulled his car out of the mental health clinic parking lot, and headed for the Diner through town. 

"It was good. I...uh I'm supposed to go for a walk." Armin replied softly, hoping Grandpa wouldn't make a big deal about it. 

"A walk? Where are you going? Would you like me to come along?" Grandpa smiled at Armin. 

"No. I'm supposed to go alone. It's just a short one. Sometime between now and my next appointment." Armin replied, staring out the window so he wouldn't have to look Grandpa in the face. 

"Well, I think that's wonderful. You haven't gone out of the house on your own in months! It's almost like the first time I let you walk to the playground yourself. Do you remember that? You crossed the street on your own and you had such a good time that I had to come get you when it was time for dinner." Grandpa smiled as he drove, remembering fondly the day that his grandson met his best friend. 

"I just hope it's not like the time I came running home because some bullies had pushed me off the swing and my knees and elbows were bleeding." Armin sighed. He was already feeling tired and just wanted to go home and take a nap. 

"Don't be such a pessimist." Grandpa nudged Armin, trying to spread his cheerfulness. "I called Pixis to let him know we were coming over. He said he'd have your strawberry milkshake ready for you." He added when Armin didn't respond. 

It only made Armin feel worse. There had been a slight chance that maybe his Grandfather's war buddy had taken the day off, but that was completely shot down now. Armin could feel his anxiety rising again as his heart rate sped up. He didn't want to be part of another interrogation about his life and what he had been up to lately. They were some of Armin's least favorite topics to talk about because he had nothing to say. All he could do was explain what a disappointment he'd turned out to be, or just be rude and refuse to answer. There was no good solution. 

Grandpa frowned when Armin didn't respond. It seemed like the harder he tried, the more Armin pulled away. He missed the old days when all it took to get a happy Armin was a strawberry milkshake and a trip to the mall to buy Armin a new book if he promised to let his grandfather buy him some new clothes too. Even when Armin tried on outfit after outfit until he found something that suited him, he was always a good sport and they often found something to chuckle over in the process. When Armin was going through his moody teenage years when he didn't let Grandpa in the dressing room anymore, and he picked out books with viscous monsters of some sort on the cover, he could still confide in his grandfather. Grandpa heard everything about Armin's life. From his grades to his friend drama when he found out that Sasha had become pregnant with Connie's baby in their senior year. Armin even told him about the first time he'd had alcohol at a party when he was underage, even at the risk of getting into serious trouble. Now, the closest they got to any kind of connection was when Armin's walls would start to come down just a little and he would let Grandpa hold him while he cried over some unexplained topic. 

"We're here, Armin. Armin?" Grandpa asked when they pulled into the parking lot, and Armin didn't move. His head was resting on the window and his eyes were closed. "Asleep again." Grandpa sighed and gently nudged his Grandson's shoulder. 

"Hm?" Armin breathed in deeply as he roused himself from sleep. His hair was a bit of a mess and there was a tiny dribble of drool on his chin. 

"Wake up sleepyhead. We're here. Are you hungry?" 

Armin looked around and nodded as he brushed his fingers through his hair and wiped his chin. "Sorry." He muttered and unbuckled his seatbelt. "I just...get tired after therapy." 

"Why don't you get an iced...what is it you like...mocha? You can get whatever you want today. I know things have been...strained between us, but I'd really like to spoil you today." Grandpa said gently, praying that Armin wouldn't turn him down. 

Armin bit his lip in thought as he pondered what to do. Guilt for how he'd run out on his grandfather earlier weighed heavily on his mind and he found himself nodding despite how much he just wanted to be at home. He knew what he was getting into being spoiled meant that they would go to the mall and he'd get clothes and a book. It wasn't what he wanted to do, especially because there would be a crowd, but the familiarity of the activity made it seem okay in that moment. 

"Thank you, Armin." Grandpa smiled in relief and stepped out of the car with a bit more pep than his aging body usually allowed. 

As soon as they stepped in the door, a woman that Armin recognized as a long-time waitress, approached them. She had shoulder length hair that was so pale it looked white, despite her only being in her thirties. Armin remembered her waiting on them all throughout his childhood from the time she was a teenager. He had always liked her. She didn't fuss over him like other adults did, especially after his parents died. She treated him more like an equal and it did wonders for Armin's self-confidence. 

"Rico! How are you?!" Grandpa greeted her happily. It was obvious that he was glad to be back in his element at the restaurant. "How are Mitabi and Ian?" 

"Mitabi just got promoted to detective and Ian just turned thirteen, can you believe it?" Rico smiled as she grabbed two menus and lead them to their usual table in her section. The diner was quite large with plenty of room for many patrons on a normal day, but temporary walls blocked off half the restaurant, including the counter and bar stools in the center. Armin assumed that they must be in the middle of renovations, but didn't feel like opening his mouth to confirm it. 

"That's wonderful! It seems like only yesterday you were walking around with little Ian in your tummy." Grandpa smiled at her as he took his usual seat. 

"How are you, Armin? It's been such a long time since I've seen you. I thought maybe you moved away." Rico asked as she set the menus down in front of them. 

"No, I'm still here. I uh...don't get out much." Armin replied, barely able to meet her eyes as he spoke. He felt disappointed that he didn't have something positive to say, and wondered if she saw through his forced smile. 

"Well let me get your milkshake before it melts! Pixis has been waiting for you both to get here. I expect he'll be over soon." Rico smiled back and turned quickly to go retrieve Armin's drink. 

"You used to have such a crush on her when you were little," Grandpa smirked once Rico was out of earshot. 

"Grandpa, I did not!" Armin roller hid eyes but managed a small smile. His grandfather teased him about Rico every time they came in, just to get a reaction. 

"Well if it isn't Armin and Armin!" A familiar voice called out. It was scratchy, indicating years of tobacco use. 

"Pixis!" Grandpa stood up to shake the old man's hand. 

Pixis set Armin's milkshake down in front of him before pulling Grandpa into a hug. "It's good to see you! Been too long!" 

Armin noticed Rico step up to his other side and hand him a thick milkshake straw. "If it tastes funny, just let me know. Pixis recently acquired a liquor license and he's a bit obsessed." She whispered. 

Armin's mouth actually quirked up in a smile as he nodded at her. He couldn't help being amused at the old man's antics, even if he was still tired and depressed. His anxiety had calmed down in this familiar setting, and he felt more at ease. He pulled the wrapper off of his straw and slipped it into his pink milkshake to try it. "It's good. It tastes fine." Armin told her. 

"And how is the littlest Arlert?" Pixis smiled down at Armin as he and Armin's grandfather separated and they both sat down at the table. 

"Oh, I'm okay," Armin replied as he did his best to look into Pixis' very wrinkled face. 

"You're looking a bit thin, my boy. I thought you were a girl from behind with that long hair. If you'd been standing, I would have touched your butt." When Pixis smiled, the wrinkles around his eyes seemed to multiply. Of course, he meant nothing malicious by his comment, but that didn't mean Armin's self-confidence didn't take a hit. 

"I'm taking him shopping after lunch. Maybe we'll get him a haircut too." Grandpa smiled as he picked up his menu. 

"Don't pay for a barber. Just bring him back here, and I'll take my clippers to his head. Bald is the best look there is." Pixis chuckled and ran a hand over his shiny hairless head. 

"I like my long hair," Armin said defensively and tucked a lock behind his ear. 

"Just a trim then. It's starting to look shaggy." Grandpa smiled across the table as Rico returned with three mugs and a pot of coffee. 

"Are you ready to order, or is Pixis keeping you from reading the menu again?" She asked as she poured each of them a cup of coffee. 

"I'll just take my usual." Grandpa closed his menu and handed it to Rico. 

"Alright, so one Rubin. Armin? BLT today?" Rico asked as she wrote down Grandpa's order. 

"Uh...yeah. But can I have applesauce-"

"Instead of chips." Rico finished his sentence for him with a smile. Armin had been ordering applesauce instead of chips since she'd started working at Dot's. 

"Oh, and Rico, bring him one of those mocha drinks he likes. The kid hasn't been sleeping, and I'm taking him shopping later." Grandpa smiled over at Armin, determined to spoil him. 

"Sure thing," Rico added it to her order slip and took their menus with her as she went to put in their order. 

"So tell me about the construction you've got going on, Pixis. You haven't remodeled in ages." Grandpa inquired, looking at the worn 70's style orange and yellow floral wallpaper. 

"Oh that. Well, I've decided to make some changes around here. I've procured myself a liquor license! I'm turning the other half of this place into a proper bar. There will be pool tables, sports games on the TV and lots and lots of whiskey." Pixis gave him a self-satisfied grin. 

Armin's attention began to wonder as his grandfather and Pixis started in on a conversation about how times were changing and what things were like in the good old days. Armin pulled his phone out absentmindedly, wishing he could just text Eren or Mikasa and ask to hang out later like he could in high school before they all joined the military. Once out of boot camp, his two best friends went overseas to start their first tour while Armin had been discharged. He'd Skyped with them as much as he could, but it wasn't the same as seeing them on a regular basis. 

As he looked at his phone screen, Armin noticed another message from Knight104. After glancing up to see that his grandfather was still preoccupied, Armin opened his Grindr app to check his message. 

"Hey, I'm sorry if I was too forward last night. I really want to meet you in person, but only if you're comfortable with it. I hope I didn't scare you away." The message from Knight read. 

Armin felt a pang of guilt for ignoring him when he was usually so quick to reply. Tentatively, he started tapping out a response. He'd already decided that he wanted to meet this person with Erwin's help earlier. He just needed to set the ball in motion before he chickened out, and this was the perfect opportunity. 

"You didn't scare me away. I was just really tired last night and fell asleep before I could reply. Then I had a doctor's appointment today and I just haven't had time to respond yet. Sorry for keeping you waiting. I do want to meet in person." Armin stared at his message for a moment, wondering if he should send something simpler. He erased all of it and then stared at the blank text box. 

"Here's your mocha, Armin." Rico smiled as she set down a tall glass of iced espresso and chocolate. "Are you okay? Your face is a little red." 

"Oh... yeah, I'm okay," Armin replied and locked his phone before anyone noticed what he was doing. 

"Talking to a pretty girl under the table there, little Arlert?" Pixis grinned, and Armin's face flushed a deeper shade of red. 

"N-no, sir." Armin shook his head. Pixis was only off the mark by gender, and the thought of anyone finding out that he was trying to set up a coffee date was humiliating. Not because coffee dates were something to be embarrassed about, but because he knew his grandfather would make a big deal about any progress he made to get out of the house and would be disappointed when Armin inevitably couldn't keep up with said progress. Not to mention, he wasn't even out of the closet to anyone besides Erwin and a few friends from school who had mostly thought it was just a phase. 

"Armin, you've never been very good at lying." Grandpa chuckled and looked at his grandson with an excited twinkle in his eyes. "Are you sneaking out of the house at night while I'm sleeping?" 

"No! It's not like that! It's just a friend!" Armin said, going on the defensive. 

"Just remembered to be safe, little Arlert. I know condoms suck, but until she has a ring, you just don't want to go down that road." Pixis smiled and patted Armin's shoulder. 

Armin recoiled from the touch and abruptly stood up. "I...have to use the restroom. Excuse me!" He dashed off towards the bathroom, and for the second time that day, locked himself in a stall. Frustrated tears welled up in his eyes as his heart started pounding in his chest. _Why? Why now? Why every time I think I'm doing better?_ He thought as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. He was starting to feel dizzy with panic when he felt his phone vibrate in his death grip around it. Grateful for the momentary distraction, Armin unlocked his phone to see another message from Knight104. 

"I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted." 

Armin stared at the screen for a whole minute. The joke was so utterly ridiculous, he felt completely disarmed by it. A crooked smile suddenly appeared on his face and he let out a tiny giggle. 

"Thanks. I really needed that." He typed and sent without much thought. He felt himself easing back into the kind of lighthearted conversation that made him feel addicted to talking with Knight. 

"Hey! I didn't scare you away!" Knight's reply was almost immediate. 

"Oh no. Of course not. It turns out that I was much more tired last night than I thought. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you." Armin found himself smiling as he typed. His anxiety was calming down, and breathing was easier. 

"Maybe one day, you'll actually fall asleep on me. ;)" 

Armin blushed at the implication, but couldn't help enjoying the feeling of being wanted by someone else. "I think we should at least meet in person first. ;)" he flirted back, getting caught up in the fantasy that he could just be a normal, healthy person that didn't second guess every decision he made. 

"Careful. You'll get my hopes up." Knight replied quickly. 

"Well, I have to say that I'm not entirely comfortable taking advantage of your generosity, but I've decided that I would like to meet in person." Armin typed and pressed send before he could take it back. 

"Not that I doubt you, but could you say it again? I'm afraid my eyes are playing tricks on me." 

Armin rolled his eyes in amusement as he tapped on his screen. "I said, I want to meet in person. For coffee. You can pay for mine. Do you know where the Crimson Frog is?" 

"Yeah, it's the one in the suburban area on the west side of Trost, right? They feature local Artist's work, don't they?" 

"Yes, that's the one." Armin smiled. He could walk to the Crimson Frog Coffee shop easily as long as he could get out of bed. Armin was so engaged in his conversation that he didn't hear the bathroom door swing open. 

"Armin? Are you alright in here?" Grandpa's voice asked in the small, two stall room. "You've been in here quite a while. Your sandwich is ready for you." 

"Oh...yeah. I just...needed a minute." Armin replied as he typed a quick "I'll message you later when I'm free." To Knight before pocketing his phone and opening the stall door. 

"You've been crying again." Grandpa sighed when he noticed Armin's red, puffy eyes. "Splash some water on your face. There was no need to get so worked up. Whether or not you're seeing someone, there is no shame in it." 

"I'm not seeing anyone." Armin's shoulders slumped as he walked to the sink. "I just don't like being made fun of." 

"Armin, I think you need to learn to take a joke," Grandpa said and put a hand on Armin's shoulder, only to have him flinch away. Their communication was breaking down again, and as much as Armin wanted to please his Grandfather and let the old man spoil him, he really just wanted to go home. 

"Come out when you're ready then." Grandpa sighed when Armin remained tight-lipped. 

Once grandpa had left, Armin released a breath he didn't know he was holding. He dutifully splashed his face and glanced in the mirror to check his reflection. Staring back at him was a boy with dark circles under his blue eyes, that no longer held the happiness he once felt. His hair was fluffy, despite being brushed, and his frame looked too small in his sweater. He knew he hadn't been taking care of himself, and that was partly why he avoided mirrors. 

Dragging his feet, Armin made his way back to the table where Grandpa was sitting with Pixis. The latter was currently pouring a suspicious looking liquid into his coffee from a hip flask. Sitting down at the table, Armin noticed that everyone else's plates were half empty. They hadn't waited for him. It wasn't that Armin minded that they had started without them, but he felt like kicking himself for being rude and taking so long in the bathroom. 

Armin managed to eat all of his applesauce and most of his sandwich by the time the others had finished. He wasn't particularly hungry, but he was motivated to leave. Pixis wasn't bad company, but he became increasingly nosy the more he drank, and Armin was tired of avoiding questions about what he was doing with his life. 

"Do you want dessert today, my boy?" Grandpa asked when Rico came to check on them. 

"No. I'm full. My milkshake was dessert enough." Armin replied honestly. 

"Just the check then, Rico." Grandpa smiled at her. "I don't know how much longer my grandson will tolerate me today and we still have some shopping to do."

"Don't worry about the bill. It's on the house." Pixis announced. "Just promise you'll come back sooner than last time." He smiled at Grandpa. 

"Alright, you have a deal." Grandpa returned the smile and pulled out a twenty dollar bill to hand to Rico. "Excellent service as always, Rico. I look forward to coming back soon and hearing more about your family." 

"Thank you, Mr. Arlert. Come back to see the bar when it's done." She smiled at them and started clearing their dishes. "And it was good to see you too, Armin." 

"You too, Rico." Armin gave her a small smile as he and his grandfather stood up to leave. 

It wasn't long before Armin found himself locked in a dressing room with at least 15 hangers worth of clothes to try on. Grandpa was a very prolific shopper and had a sense of fashion that mostly aligned with Armin's. At least in the business casual sense. He was never going to pick out t-shirts or ripped up jeans for his grandson, though slim cut jeans seemed to be fine. 

"You let me know if you need a smaller size, okay? I'll be right out here in the chair." Grandpa said from the other side of the door. 

"Okay," Armin replied and bit his lip as he looked in the double mirror. In this dressing room, no matter which way he turned, he'd have to watch himself undress. He closed his eyes and began removing his clothes as efficiently as possible. _The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can get home._ Armin told himself as he grabbed the first pair of shorts. He managed to pull them on without having to look at his legs and slipped on a white V-neck tee and a burgundy button up short sleeved shirt over top. Without looking in the mirror more than absolutely necessary, he opened the dressing room door to show his grandfather. 

"I like that shirt you have on. Definitely, keep that. Your shorts are a little long though. Do they fit in the waist?" Grandpa asked as he smiled at his grandson. 

"They're fine," Armin said immediately and without thinking. 

"Come here." Grandpa sighed. As soon as Armin was close enough, he grabbed the shorts at the waist and pinched. "I don't know how you're keeping these up, but they are definitely too big. Go take them off, and I'll get you another pair. Do you like the style? They have other colors." 

"I like blue." Armin bit his lip. He used to enjoy shopping and putting different outfits together, but now he just wanted to go home. 

"I know you like blue, Armin, but you have to wear more than just blue. Do you like the burgundy shirt you have on?" 

"Yeah, it's fine," Armin said hurriedly. 

Grandpa frowned. "I know you're humoring me right now, Armin, but I'm not the one that has to wear these clothes after they're bought." 

"I like the burgundy." Armin sighed. "But maybe...you could bring me a gray pair of shorts instead of the blue? I still have those other pairs of blue jeans so I'll still have some blue." 

"Okay. Why don't you put on a different shirt while I get you some new pairs of pants? Give me the other ones we picked out, they'll be too big for you too." Grandpa smiled as Armin walked back into the dressing room to do as asked. 

Armin closed his eyes again as he removed the burgundy shirt and shorts. The last thing he wanted was to accidentally see the scars on his legs from years of self-harm. He always felt a great sense of shame when he saw them. After Eren accidentally discovered them back in high school, they'd fought. It wasn't pretty. It was one of the only times Armin had seen Eren cry. The guilt he'd felt afterward was immense, and he hadn't done it since. Even after all this time though, they were still hard to look at. An internal war constantly raged inside between wishing they would just disappear, and wanting to make them darker all over again. Armin knew he'd feel worse if he'd cut himself again, but that didn't mean he didn't still feel the urge when his depression made him feel numb and worthless. The best way he'd found so far to keep the urges at bay was to ignore them and do his best not to look at the scars. 

As Armin slipped a black and white thin striped shirt over his head, he heard the doorknob turn on the door to his dressing room. "S-someone's in here!" He called out anxiously and grabbed the first piece of clothing he could find to cover up his scars. 

"It's only me, Armin," Grandpa said as he walked in and hung up the new pairs of jeans and shorts. "Would you mind if I sat in here? Someone else needed the chair out there." He asked, not wanting to ask the tired looking pregnant mother who had sat down in his absence to leave. 

"I...I can change by myself." Armin replied as his face reddened and his heart sped up. He didn't want his grandfather to see the scars he'd kept a secret for so long. 

"I know you can. I'm asking if I may sit in here anyway. I don't have to look." Grandpa replied as he sat on the bench. He didn't understand why Armin was so worked up. 

Armin knew that even if his grandfather turned his head, the mirrors would still make it possible for him to see the scars. "I...I...I want to go home." He whimpered, backing himself into the corner of the room. He didn't know what else to say. All he could think of was the safety of his bed. 

Grandpa gave Armin a hard look and noticed how Armin's hands were trembling in front of him. Even though his grandson was in his twenties, he was acting more like a child. As his sole caregiver, Grandpa felt like it was his job to find out what Armin was hiding. "Let me see that shirt, Armin." He said quietly, holding his hand out for the shirt covering Armin's legs. 

Armin knew there was no way out. He knew the look on his grandfather's face. It was one that clearly said he had no choice in that matter, the old man wasn't going to let it go. Slowly, Armin moved the shirt away from his body and handed it over. His hands covered his face in shame, unable to look at his grandfather. 

Grandpa looked at Armin's upper thighs and saw the faded white scars across his skin. "Armin. Come and sit down." He said softly. His voice held no malice or anger, just warm caring. 

Armin sunk down onto the bench beside his grandfather but kept his face covered. He felt strong arms pull him into an embrace. A small sob broke Armin's silence as tears streaked down his cheeks. His head rested on Grandpa's shoulder and his shoulders shook as he tried to stay quiet. 

"Armin...Armin, look at me." Grandpa said gently as he took Armin's wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. Armin just stared at the floor, too afraid to see the disappointment on his grandfather's face. "I already know about the scars." 

At this new information, Armin did look up. He was confused and wanted answers. He'd been so careful. How could his grandfather have found out? 

"Doctor Jaeger called me one night. Apparently, you and Eren had a fight and Eren was very worried about you. He told me what had been going on, but that you'd promised Eren that you would stop hurting yourself. That night, while you were sleeping, I counted all the knives in the kitchen, and the next day I found the knife you'd been using in your room. I took it and hid it. Maybe you don't remember, but that night, you were very much on edge. I heard you making quite a bit of noise in your room, and knew you were looking for the knife. I asked you if everything was okay, and you said that it was. I wanted to trust that you'd tell me eventually, but if I thought you'd started up again, I would have confronted you about it. Eren assured me that you had stopped, but we both kept an eye out just in case." Grandpa explained as he rubbed Armin's back. "I don't know why you did it, and you probably won't tell me, but I hope you know you can if you want to." 

Armin felt more hot tears coming to his eyes as he stared at his grandfather. So many emotions flooded his mind. He felt relief, guilt, shame, sadness...but also disappointed that his grandfather hadn't gone to him at the time. He knew his younger self would have been more likely to tell his grandfather everything, but now he felt like that was an impossible task. "Can...can we just go home?" He finally managed to choke out. 

"Yeah. We can go home." Grandpa sighed and kissed Armin's temple. "Get dressed. We can go shopping another time." 

Armin moved slowly as he got dressed, feeling more sluggish and tired than usual. Grandpa put all the clothes back on the rack and led his grandson out to the car. Armin slept the whole way home, and when he finally got to his room, he collapsed into bed, neglecting his promise to take his dishes down and do his laundry. It simply wasn't possible anymore that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your opinions on Jean and dad jokes? I'm a little unsure if I want to make that a thing for him. 
> 
> Also, if you want to come find me on Tumblr, you can do that [here](https://tea--is-not-leaf-juice.tumblr.com/)
> 
> You're also welcome to check out my other works. I have another Jearmin as well as a Winmin story in progress!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say a very special thank you to GoodGuyJean who has recently become my beta reader! Her help and support have been invaluable to me. I feel so much more confident with where this story is headed and empowered to make it happen. She is also an author and a wonderful one at that! Go check out her AO3 for more Jearmin! [GoodGuyJean](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodGuyJean/pseuds/GoodGuyJean)

When Armin awoke it was completely dark in his room except for the little Peter Rabbit night light his grandfather always plugged in when he came to check on Armin during the night. Blinking in mild confusion, Armin rolled out of bed and approached the little light by his bedroom door that had been left ajar. He was certain that he'd closed it when he'd entered after getting back from the mall. He crouched down and carefully traced the rabbit's ears and sighed to himself. He couldn't remember the last time his grandfather had plugged in his nightlight. Yawning, Armin stood and turned on his overhead light to see if his grandfather had done anything else in his room. Blinking away the brightness, Armin saw that his dirty dishes had been removed and the various piles of laundry were also missing. 

Tears came to Armin's eyes that he tried to wipe away with the sweater he was still wearing. Even after breaking down in the dressing room and ruining his grandfather's day, the old man had still put in the effort to clean up some of Armin's room for him. The love he felt from the simple actions only made Armin cry harder. He simultaneously felt relieved, and guilty that he couldn't do it on his own. "Why am I so broken?!" He whimpered in frustration and sank to the floor by Peter Rabbit. 

_”You're not broken, Armin.” Erwin's voice echoed in his mind._

"I am broken! You're wrong, Erwin!" Armin cried harder as his inner critic berated him. _You're not good enough. You're trash. You're acting like a baby. Pathetic! You can't even manage to pick up your room! You're 22, and look where you are! Jobless, hopeless, broken, pathetic!_ He sobbed harder, crying so hard that his breathing became erratic and panic was beginning to take hold again. Soon, he was sucking in air in short sharp gasps, and couldn't control the volume as he struggled to breathe. Armin clutched at his shirt, the carpet, his hair... Anything to hold himself to the present. With his eyes shut tight, he felt utterly alone in his suffering. 

“Armin? Armin, what's wrong?!” Grandpa's voice sounded loud in Armin's ears yet felt so far away. 

“Can't...can't breathe!” Armin managed to gasp out as he clutched at the neck of his sweater as though it was trying to choke him. 

“Panic?” Grandpa asked uncertainly. He'd heard Armin talk about his panic attacks before, but he rarely witnessed one so severe. 

Armin nodded helplessly and felt even worse when his grandfather stood up and left his room without a word. The action made Armin feel like he was just a burden that his Grandfather could no longer handle. It made Armin's mind spin in a thousand different directions as he tried to figure out what he would do if his grandfather kicked him out. 

“Here. Put this on your face.” 

Armin looked up to see that his grandfather was back and holding out an ice pack wrapped in a blue and white striped dish towel. He just stared at the man, not comprehending why his grandfather was treating his panic like a twisted ankle. He was still gasping for air, and couldn't make sense of what his grandfather wanted. 

Grandpa sighed and gently leaned into touch the ice pack to Armin's cheek. “I read that this is helpful during a panic attack.” He spoke softly as Armin took the towel wrapped pack from his hand. 

Armin hated when his grandfather tried to use techniques he learned on the internet or in self-help books on him. It wasn't that he wasn't grateful that his grandfather cared, but he often chose the wrong thing for the wrong moment and didn't seem to understand that different things worked for different people. He treated mental illness like a scraped knee; stop the bleeding, clean the wound, bandage it with ointment, offer a milkshake... there was a procedure to follow and the same injury would be treated the same on every person. However, as he held the cold compress to his face, Armin started to feel a sense of calm wash over him. His breathing started to even out and his shaking body became still. It seemed the change in temperature triggered a change in his mind as well and served to ground him to the present.

“I'm glad that worked.” Grandpa smiled at him and carefully lowered himself to the floor to sit level with Armin. “How are you feeling?”

“I...I don't know.” Armin replied honestly as he moved the ice to the other side of his face, and wiped away his tears on the towel. 

“Well, what caused all this? You seemed to be sleeping so peacefully and hour ago.” Grandpa asked with concern, not really understanding how his words sounded condescending to his overly sensitive grandson. 

“I...I just don't feel good.” Armin looked away and pulled his knees up to his chest protectively. 

Grandpa sighed, recognizing that Armin was shutting him out. It hurt, but trial and error told him he couldn't force Armin to open up. “Do you want to go back to sleep?” 

“Not really,” Armin whispered as he rested his head on his knees. “I...I don't really want to be alone right now, but I don't want to talk about it either.” 

“How about a round of Gin Rummy and some tea?” Grandpa suggested. 

Armin thought about it for a minute before looking back up at his grandfather. “Okay.” He nodded his red face and handed over the ice pack. 

Grandpa smiled and started the slow process of lifting his body off the ground. He used the foot of Armin's wooden bed frame to help hoist himself up to his feet. He panted a little as he straightened his loose fitting gray Beach Bum t-shirt over his navy sweatpants. It was one of the many shirts the older Arlert had collected from their many vacations to the beach over the years. The one he was sporting was getting old and thin. It needed to be replaced, but Grandpa wasn't sure when he would be able to convince Armin to get out of the house long enough to make the trip. 

“Grandpa? What time is it? I didn't think you'd still be awake.” Armin asked as he stood up too, hugging his arms around his torso. His grandfather usually went to bed around ten at night, but the darkness outside his windows left Armin clueless as to what time it might be.

“Just after nine the last time I checked. You had a bit more laundry that needed to be washed than I expected.” Grandpa chuckled and patted Armin on the shoulder. “Why don't you change into your pajamas and put your clothes away while I make our tea. Your laundry basket is in the hall. I was just bringing it in when I heard you gasping.” 

“Okay. I'll see you downstairs.” Armin agreed as he followed his grandfather out into the hall to get his laundry basket. Inside, his clothes were all neatly folded and sorted into piles. All the socks were matched and even his underwear was rolled up neatly. Armin wished he knew how to express his gratefulness. A thank you didn't seem like enough, but explaining why it meant so much seemed like a daunting task that would involve opening up and sharing parts of his past that were just better left unsaid. Armin knew he could never live with the shame if his grandfather found out the truth. 

After putting his basket of clothes away, Armin began to undress for the night. As he pulled down his skinny jeans, his iPhone fell out of his pocket and the screen lit up to show more messages from Knight 104. Armin hurriedly pulled on his sleep pants and an old tee before he opened his phone to read the messages.

Knight104  
5:37pm  
_So I'm not sure what days work well for you, but I have off work tomorrow. I could meet up at any time._  
5:54pm  
_If tomorrow is too soon, we could always meet next week. I usually have off Mondays and Tuesdays._

_But we don't have to meet on a Monday or Tuesday. We could meet any day, I just have to go in to work at 4 so we would have to meet in the early afternoon at the latest. But if I have to take off I will. God, I'm rambling. Just tell me when you want to meet and I'll make it work. :)_

Armin giggled quietly to himself as he read the messages. Knight had a way of making him relax, and he barely hesitated before typed back.

  
LonelyBookworm  
9:42pm  
_You aren't normally this flustered._  


It was barely a moment later when Armin's phone pinged, signaling Knight's reply.

Knight104  
_I was going for laid back. :(_

  
LonelyBookworm  
_I thought it was adorable ;)_  


Knight104  
 _Hey now. You're the adorable one, Mr. blonde hair blue eyes. ;) ;)_

  
LonelyBookworm  
_You forgot about my button nose._  


Armin was starting to feel braver with their little back and forth. Knight coming off as nervous seemed to give Armin a little more confidence.

Knight104  
_I could never forget that. ;)_

_There is something serious I need to tell you though. The picture I use on here isn't exactly current. I was in an accident and I have a scar over my right eye. It's healed pretty well, but I do get some stares. I just didn't want to shock you with it when we meet._

_If you still want to meet. I know I kind of deceived you a little._

  
LonelyBookworm  
_I still want to meet. Tomorrow is good for me. Maybe I'll think your scar looks sexy. ;)_  


Armin blushed as he typed, but he sent the message anyway. It wasn't the first time he'd flirted with Knight, and he couldn't deny that he enjoyed it. After having decided with Erwin that he _did_ want to meet with Knight, he found himself less fretful and actually looking forward to it.

Knight104  
_You'll have to let me know tomorrow then ;)_

_My name is Jean btw. I figure you should know my name if we're going to meet. You can have my phone number too. It's xxx-xxx-xxxx._

  
LonelyBookworm  
_It's nice to meet you, Jean. I'm Armin. I'll send you a text_

 

Armin  
9:52pm  
_Hi, Jean!_  


Jean  
 _Hey, cutie ;) What time do you want to meet tomorrow? Do you want a ride?_

  
Armin  
9:53pm  
_Maybe noon? I don't need a ride. I can walk._  


Jean  
 _Sure. I'll buy you lunch._

  
Armin  
_You don't have to do that. I didn't mean you had to buy me lunch!_  


Armin felt his heart rate quicken as he stared at his screen. He hadn't even thought about lunch since he rarely bothered to eat it.

Jean  
_I insist. I'd love to buy you lunch, Armin._

“Armin!” Grandpa hollered up the stairs. “Did you get stuck in your shirt?! Your tea is going to get cold!” 

“I'll be down in just a minute!” Armin called back, after being startled by his Grandpa's loud voice. He turned back to his phone to finalize his plans and saw another message. 

Jean  
_Don't make me beg. ;)_

  
Armin  
_Okay, you win. Noon it is. I'll see you tomorrow._  


Armin sent and then locked and pocketed his phone before going downstairs.

 

Once on the main floor, Armin heard the sound of card shuffling from the dining room. Turning to his right at the bottom of the stairs, Armin saw Grandpa sitting at their modestly sized dining room table with the deck of cards in his hands. 

“Armin?” Grandpa looked up as Armin approached their honey colored wooden table and sat down opposite him. “You look...happy. What happened upstairs?” 

“Oh uh... it's nothing. Nothing happened. I'm just... it feels nice to be playing cards in the middle of the night with you again.” Armin gave Grandpa soft smile and quickly grabbed the mug of peppermint tea in front of him and took a large sip. He nearly choked from the unexpected burn and quickly set the cup down, hands shaking a little. He was getting too worked up about his secret date the next day and he knew he needed to calm down and play it cool. “You remembered which mug was my favorite.” Armin tried to change the subject as he rubbed his fingers along the embossed green words on the tall white mug. It read _friends are the family we choose,_ and was a gift from Mikasa. 

“Armin you've almost exclusively used that mug since you got it. It's really a wonder it's still in such good condition.” Grandpa said, raising a brow at Armin's unusual behavior. 

“It's just sturdy I guess.” Armin shrugged. “Are we keeping score? I'll get the note pad.” He said as he stood up and went to the junk drawer in their small kitchen for some paper and a pen. 

Grandpa watched as Armin's legs moved briskly, and his body movements were a bit more hurried and jerky than he was used to seeing. Not even 24 hours ago, Armin was moving sluggishly as though every movement was a chore. Grandpa knew for certain that something had happened to cause his grandson's change in behavior, but he wasn't sure he could truly believe that it was just over their card game. Something was definitely up, but the old man didn't have a single guess as to what or why. 

“So, Armin... I was thinking. Maybe instead of taking you to the mall to try on some new clothes, I could buy what I think you'll like and bring it back here for you to try on. Then I can return anything you don't want. I found some great coupons while reading the paper and they expire the day after tomorrow. Would that be alright with you? Will you be okay by yourself if I go tomorrow?” Grandpa asked as he started to deal the cards.

“Oh...yeah. If you want to.” Armin said a bit hesitantly. He still wasn't keen on the idea of money being spent on him when he didn't contribute anything back. However, having grandpa out of the house for a few hours would give him time to see Jean and not have to worry about looking suspicious. It was actually a win-win situation when he reminded himself that sometimes Grandpa really enjoyed spoiling him. 

“Good. I'll go sometime tomorrow afternoon.” Grandpa smiled as Armin gingerly sat down in his seat again. He observed that Armin's movements seemed to have settled into some middle ground of delicate, yet much more alert than usual. 

“Okay. I'll probably go for my walk sometime tomorrow. I really want to prove to myself that I can do it alone.” Armin replied as he focused on setting up his columns to keep track of their scores. 

“Do you want me to stay home in case something happens? I could come get you if you have a breakdown. You just have to call and I'll be right there.” Grandpa asked with concern as he picked up his hand and started organizing his cards. 

Armin's brow creased and he felt his stomach drop. He was finally starting to feel confident and the person closest to him obviously saw him as too weak to even go on a simple walk. “You don't think I can do it? You think I'm too pathetic to go on a short walk alone, don't you?” He accused, getting upset again. 

Grandpa looked up from his hand in utter bewilderment. “Armin...” He took a deep breath to gather his thoughts and set his cards down again to give his grandson his full attention. “What is going on with you? I found you upstairs, sobbing and unable to breathe, then you come downstairs smiling and acting like a normal person, and now you're angry with me. I can't keep up with your moods tonight. What is going on?” 

Deep down, Armin knew that his grandfather meant well. He never had any ill intent. However, Armin couldn't reach that knowledge in that moment. All he felt was hurt. Hurt by the accusatory tone and authoritarian posture that his grandfather seemed to have adopted. It made Armin feel small, and like he was being scolded. His shoulders turned inward and he looked down at his hands in his lap. He watched as a few tears splashed onto his pajama bottoms, soaking into the fabric. He thought he had no more tears left, yet here he was face hidden by the curtain of his hair, eyes beginning to puff up again with the failing effort not to cry. 

“You'll never understand me,” Armin replied. His voice was weak, but his meaning was more impactful than he realized.

“You're right.” Grandpa's voice cracked after a pause. He had always tried to be strong for Armin, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to feel helpless and accused of making things worse when he only ever tried to do what was right for his grandson. “I'll never understand you if you don't at least try to help me understand. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to watch you spiral like this?” 

“Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the one spiraling?” The words were out of his mouth, cutting and sharp with barely contained anger before Armin could stop himself. When he looked up, he saw tears streaming down his grandfather's round, worried face. “I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!” Armin felt the sharp pang of guilt hit his stomach and he wished he could just throw up and watch this nightmare get flushed down the toilet. 

“Yes, you did. You meant every word.” Grandpa dabbed at his eyes with a napkin from the center napkin holder they kept on the table. “I'm sorry, Armin. I've tried everything I know how to help you, but it's never enough. If you won't let me in, you're going to have to accept that I'm just going to offend you at every turn.” 

“Grandpa... I... Yes, I do feel that way, but I never meant to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this.” Armin slumped in his seat in defeat. He couldn't make things better without first making things worse. He simply could not share the events that lead up to his. “I'd be better off dead. Then you wouldn't have to worry about me.” 

Grandpa froze in his seat and a deep frown wrinkled his face. “Armin, I would never ever wish you to be dead. I don't care how worried you make me, you will always have a home here, and you will always be my grandson, who I love very much. Armin, if you weren't here, it would truly break me. I can take all the negative words in the world, and all the misunderstanding, but I could never live if you were gone.” 

The sincerity emanating from Grandpa's whole being struck a cord with Armin and he hugged himself tight as he cried even harder. He honestly felt that he didn't deserve the love he was being given, but at the same time, he wanted to do whatever he could do to at least feel like he earned a fraction of it. “I love you, Grandpa. I'm sorry I'm like this. I... I'll try harder to be the grandson you deserve.” 

Grandpa stood and walked around the dining room table and Armin stood up as well. They met in a strong embrace and both cried together as they leaned on each other emotionally and physically. “All I want from you is for you to find a way to be happy. That's all you need to do, Armin.” Grandpa said softly into Armin's hair and gave him one last big squeeze.

They pulled away with a silent, mutual understanding that they would both try to at least be more patient with the other, and that no matter what miscommunication they had, the core love of their relationship was still strong.

“I...I'll try Grandpa,” Armin said softly and looked back at their cards. “Can we start with our game? I really do want to play.” 

“Of course we can.” Grandpa smiled and wiped a tear from Armin's cheek. “I will play as many card games as it takes to make you happy.” 

They sat down after that, and both Arlerts began activating and adjusting their strategies as the game progressed. Armin started out strong and was far in the lead for the first two rounds before his eyes began to droop. After experiencing so much emotional ups and downs in a short period of time, Armin felt completely exhausted. He began to play with his head resting on one arm on the table, but every time Grandpa suggested they pause, Armin insisted that he could finish the game. Grandpa finally put his foot down that they were done when Armin almost fell out of his chair from falling asleep briefly. 

“Alright, it's bedtime, Armin. We can pick up where we left off tomorrow.” Grandpa announced as Armin tried to shake the sleep from his brain after righting himself in his seat. 

“Okay.” Armin finally conceded and stoop up sleepily. 

Grandpa smiled at how much this moment reminded him of when Armin was little and trying to stay up way past his bedtime. He fondly guided his grandson up the stairs and into his room. Armin was so tired that he barely seemed to notice as Grandpa tucked him in and turned out the light. He was asleep within moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my readers, and especially my commenters. Your feedback has been such a great motivator! I always look forward to hearing what you have to say and responding to you. It truly makes my day! If you don't want to leave a comment, but you still want to chat, send me an ask or message on Tumblr [@tea--is-not-leaf-juice](https://tea--is-not-leaf-juice.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I want to also take a moment to address the part in the story when Grandpa uses and icepack to help calm Armin down during his panic attack. This is an actual skill that can be used during times of extreme distress and is taught as part of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. I've used it myself and found it very helpful. If you want to read more on it you can find some information [here](https://www.google.com/amp/s/dailydbt.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/tip-skills/amp/) and [here](https://www.google.com/amp/borderlinebravery.com/post/134228125707/dbt-distress-tolerance-skills-tip-distress/amp) look for the T in the TIP skill they talk about for more information and other skills.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to meet Jean in person!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has taken me so much longer than I wanted to write this chapter. I'm so sorry for the delay if you were waiting! This story is still very near and dear to my heart, so I'm definitely not giving up on it.
> 
> I also want to say a special thank you to GoodGuyJean for all the help she has given me! Check out her works here!

Armin yawned and stretched his arms over his head as sleep slowly started to recede from his mind. He blinked and took in the sunlight that was streaming in through his windows, warm and bright. Armin enjoyed napping throughout the day more than sleeping at night. There was a sense of security during the day that no amount of artificial light could truly replicate. The rays of the sun seemed to literally chase away the nightmarish thoughts of self-loathing, the hellish feeling of panic, and the sometimes overwhelming desire to escape it all. Of course, the daylight didn't take away all of Armin's suffering, but the ability to sleep while it was lessened caused a wave a drowsiness to fall over him in the mornings.

 _I'll just sleep for a little longer and then maybe by the time I wake up, Knight will be awake too._ Armin thought to himself as he rolled over and closed his eyes again. A smile came over his lips as he remembered that he'd learned Knight104's true name the night before. "Hmm... Jean... Wait... Jean!"

Armin sat up in bed a little too fast and had to pause before getting out of bed completely. “I'm supposed to meet him today! What time is it?!” He asked himself in a panic as he searched around for his phone. It was plugged into the charger like always, though Armin didn't remember doing it himself. He yanked the cord out and the screen lit up, displaying the time as 9:38 am. Armin sighed in relief and sat back down on his bed. He contemplated crawling back in between the blankets for another hour, but he didn't trust himself now. “No. I should shower and try to make sure I look presentable.” He whispered and stood up, grabbed his robe and headed to the bathroom.

Armin normally took long showers, either because he was daydreaming, or just felt sluggish with depression. He was rarely very focused when bathing, but today was much different. Today he had a date, and he wanted to do everything he could to look his best. He already knew that his hair was too long and bushy and his skin was ultra pale from staying indoors constantly. Even if there was a lot about his appearance that he didn't like, he wanted to make damn sure that he did everything he could to look his best.

 _All this for just a friend?_ His mind asked him as he picked up his toothbrush and toothpaste. Armin shoved the thought to the back of his mind and brushed his teeth not once, but twice. He'd done the same in the shower while washing his hair and his body. Everything had to be perfect and clean. Armin even checked his face to make sure he hadn't suddenly acquired the ability to grow a beard.

After he was finished in the bathroom, Armin now faced the even more challenging task of picking an outfit out of his outdated, shabby wardrobe. He was very lucky that his grandfather had decided to wash his clothes the night before, but Armin wished he'd been able to last long enough to get a least one new outfit at the mall yesterday. Sighing, he opened his drawer and pulled out the last two nice pairs of jeans he owned. There was really no contest where size was concerned. Armin knew he needed to go with the smaller pair, so he tossed the dark red skinny jeans onto his bed and put the faded blue ones back in his drawer. After that, he went to his closet to see what kind of shirt he should pair with his selected pants. He knew a t-shirt was probably acceptable. It was just coffee after all, but Armin wanted to look his best. He felt he needed to somehow cover up how crippling his depression had been and be the same flirty intellectual he'd pretended to be online.

Armin bit his lip as he pulled out a white button-up shirt and a navy blue cable knit sweater. It was his go-to for business casual events and something he felt comfortable wearing. The shirt had a small stain on the front, but it wouldn't be visible under his sweater, and the sweater was bulky enough that his recent weight loss wouldn't be very noticeable. 

Armin held up his outfit in front of himself and looked down. His eyes saw only the clothes and not his body out of habit, but they didn't look bad as a combination. Maybe they weren't the embodiment of the spring season, but out of his options, they most closely fit his criteria. 

He got dressed in a hurry before finally turning to his closet and pulling off the blanket he kept over his floor length mirror. Armin had become so full of self-loathing over time that looking at his reflection only caused his mind to spiral. He would over analyze every flaw about his appearance. From the way his eyebrows weren't quite even and the fact that he couldn't grow a beard, to his short height and delicate features. He'd been called a fairy a lot in school for his looks. 

His classmates pegged his sexuality before he'd even thought about boys or girls. Grandpa told him it was just a phase and the teasing would stop eventually. He encouraged his grandson to stand up for himself and told him that often times those that teased had the biggest insecurities themselves. Armin took the words to heart and the next time someone called him a fairy, he looked them in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry that you're struggling with your own sexuality. It's not easy to figure that out, is it?" There was no malice in his words or an intent to make fun. He was being genuine and trying to turn the tables and put them both on equal ground. 

He went home that day with a black eye, bruised ribs, and a broken heart. 

Armin gently touched his face as the memory came back to him. His injuries had hurt, but not as much as the emotional damage and confusion he grew up with. Grandpa, in an effort to comfort him, told his grandson that he knew he wasn't gay and no amount of teasing would turn him gay. However, Armin internalized the words and eventually began to think that if he did like boys, it meant that the bullies had won and that he was weak. 

A soft knock on his bedroom door pulled Armin back into the present. "Don't come in! I'm naked!" He squawked, afraid of his grandfather's reaction to his dressed up look. 

"Okay, okay." Grandpa left the door closed. He'd learned his lesson the day before. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm heading out. There is lunch-meat in the refrigerator and a fresh loaf of bread in the cupboard. Please eat lunch today. You haven't eaten for almost 24 hours now." 

"Does this mean you're going to the mall then?" Armin half shouted so his grandfather could hear him He was hoping that he would be able to sneak out of the house without his Grandpa noticing his clothes. 

"Yes. I'm going back to the mall, and then to the grocery store." Grandpa replied through the door. "Call me if you think of any requests." 

"Okay. Bye!" Armin said hurriedly as he checked the time. He'd taken much more time getting ready than he'd thought and it was already after eleven. 

"Goodbye, son. Eat lunch." Grandpa called through the door before his footsteps could be heard going down the stairs. 

Armin listened for the front door and then the sound of Grandpa's car pulling out of the driveway before he relaxed again. He turned back to the mirror and decided to put his hair in a messy bun to keep it out of his face and disguise how unruly it had become. 

Armin did one last final check in front of his mirror and decided that he'd done all he could with his appearance. He grabbed his wallet, his phone, and his set of keys that sat unused in his desk drawer. He paused, rolling his car key around in his hand as he thought for a moment about driving his car. For the first time in a long time, he actually felt like he wanted to drive. 

"No. I'll just walk like Erwin and I talked about." Armin decided and pocketed his keys before heading downstairs to finally leave the house on his own. 

When he stepped outside, Armin took a deep breath, soaking in the chilly day. He was glad he'd chosen a sweater. It was warm enough that he didn't need a coat, but not so warm that he wouldn't be able to sit comfortably indoors. _I can't believe I'm actually doing this._ He thought as he took his first step down the sidewalk towards The Crimson Frog. He felt both elated that he was actually succeeding at pulling himself out of bed and not only going for his walk but also going on a date. A smile worked its way onto Armin's face and it stayed there for the entire duration of his walk.

By the time Armin arrived at the cafe his nose, cheeks, and ears were all red from the wind that had picked up along the way. He'd shoved his hands under his armpits to keep them protected, and he wished he'd brought a hat or at least a scarf along with him. When he opened the door to The Crimson Frog the warm air immediately enveloped him and the scent of coffee filled his nose. The atmosphere was a bit busy, but not particularly loud. It was pleasant and cozy with a fireplace on one wall by the storefront window and plush faux leather chairs surrounding it. The rest of the cafe had sturdy wooden tables with hand painted chairs filling up the remaining floor space. There was artwork by local artists on all of the walls, and the rich natural color scheme made Armin feel instantly welcome and at ease.

“Are you, Armin?” A voice behind Armin asked uncertainty.

Armin's heart pounded in his chest when he heard his name. He had been mostly calm on the way over, but now that he was actually about to meet his online friend, he felt a wave of nervousness come over him. Slowly, he turned around to see the man who had spoken. The guy was taller, but he wasn't towering. He was wearing a gray slouchy beanie, a brown bomber jacket, and dark faded blue jeans. “That depends. Are you Jean?” Armin asked as he studied the scar over the man's right eye. It was deep and pulled the eyelid down unnaturally at the outer corner.

“Um...It's actually pronounced the French way. Like Jean.” He said his name out loud to demonstrate.

“Oh! I'm sorry! Jean then.” Armin blushed as he said the name back, feeling stupid for pronouncing the guy's name wrong. They were the first real words Armin had said to Jean and he'd already messed up.

“Oh. It's okay. I mean...you can say it however you want to I guess. You can call me whatever you want really... I wouldn't care as long as it's you.” Jean chuckled awkwardly. His cheeks were tinged red as he averted his eyes and scratched the back of his neck. The action dislodged his beanie and he had to move fast to catch it before it hit the ground. It made him seem even more flustered, and Armin found it endearing.

“I think I'll just call you Jean if that's okay.” Armin smiled genuinely, trying not to giggle. He relaxed a little when he realized that he wasn't alone in being nervous. “Should we sit down? We're blocking the entrance.” He added as another patron entered and had to inch around them to go up to the counter to order.

“Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.” Jean nodded and gently touched Armin's shoulder before leading the way to an empty table. The gesture was subtle, but Armin felt like every nerve in his body had jumped to life. There was a certain electricity in Jean's touch that had nothing to do with static. He wanted to feel it again, but he knew he couldn't initiate touch in such a public setting. No one knew about his sexuality yet, and he wanted to keep it that way. At least for now.

When Jean pulled a chair out and gestured for Armin to sit, Armin looked at Jean in confusion for a moment. He'd never been treated with such consideration before. Despite the fact that the action was something usually reserved for ladies, Armin found himself smiling and feeling his stomach do a little flip. Maybe he wouldn't mind being treated in such a gentlemanly way. It didn't make him feel delicate or weak like he would have thought. It made him feel special and important. “Thank you.” He said softly as he sat down and let Jean push him in.

“I'll go get a menu and be right back,” Jean said hurriedly and left to go up to the counter where the menus were sitting in a clear plastic holder.

Armin thought Jean's attempt at being suave by pushing in his chair was adorable, but the man's movements still seemed a bit jerky and awkward. It looked like he was just as anxious as Armin felt and that thought was comforting. Armin was actually glad for the brief break to collect his thoughts. Despite his new sense of empowerment, he still felt nervous. He was meeting someone who was almost a stranger in a place away from home, and without his grandfather knowing. If he'd stopped to think about it, he would have realized how potentially dangerous he would normally have found this meeting to be. But he was here now and so far Jean didn't look like a serial killer.

“You can order anything you want,” Jean said as he sat down opposite Armin at their table. He handed over one of the paper menus and started browsing it himself, not even looking up at Armin for a while. It would have seemed like a cold action had Armin not noticed the nervous tapping Jean's foot was doing or the tinge of pink in his cheeks.

“Jean?” Armin asked quietly. The atmosphere between them was a little tense and it was difficult to focus on the menu. “You don't have to be nervous around me. It's not like I'm famous or anything.”

Jean looked up from his menu, revealing his increasingly pink face. “Well uh... You're a novelist, aren't you? Maybe one day you will be famous.”

Armin inwardly cringed when Jean brought up his lie about what he did for a living. He'd avoided the question during their online chatting as long as he could, but eventually, he had to tell Jean something. Instead of revealing that he was unemployed because of crippling depression, he decided to tell Jean that he was actually writing a novel while taking care of his grandfather. It wasn't too far from the truth since Armin did actually want to become a novelist. However he definitely wasn't taking care of his grandfather and his depression caused him to be unfocused while reading, let alone working on writing a book. It didn't seem like too far of a stretch to Armin, but anyone else wouldn't definitely be offended that he'd lied.

“Who knows, you could be the next J.K. Rowling. Then you'll be rich and you won't think twice about a nobody like me.” Jean smiled at his own self-deprecation.

 _Maybe I should tell him the truth now._ Armin thought to himself. “I don't know, I kinda have a thing for guys with scars. Besides, even if I become that popular it won't be for a long time.” He replied, continuing the perception that he was better than he actually was.

Jean gave Armin a crooked smile and seemed to visibly relax. “I guess I could put up with the paparazzi for you.”

“Are you sure you want to put yourself through that? Who knows what we might have to do to escape them. There might be a lot of running and hiding. We might even need to wear disguises...” Armin teased, playing along.

“That sounds more like an adventure instead of a chore.” Jean grinned. “Besides... I'm a sucker for you button nose and sense of humor.”

Armin blushed at Jean's words as the other man continued to take in his appearance. He knew he was being admired, but it wasn't creepy coming from Jean. He didn't feel like he was being visually undressed or stared at like something to eat. He actually felt _good_ about his body for a change, and that realization was a bit startling.

“You know, you're actually cuter in person. I kinda lost my breath for a moment when I saw you.” Jean said honestly.

“Oh stop. You don't have to flatter me so much.” Armin blushed and picked up his menu again to hide his face.

“Hey.” Armin felt Jean's hand brush his own to get his attention. “If you really don't like it just say so and I'll stop. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

Armin lowered his menu and looked into Jean's eyes. He could tell the other was being genuine and it melted his heart to have someone be so considerate of his feelings. Not even Grandpa, the person that Armin spent the most time with, had ever picked up on Armin's discomfort so fast. It was like Jean had a natural instinct for it, and was willing to make room for, and accommodate Armin's feelings.

“I...I'm just not used to it I guess. You don't have to stop, but...don't overdo it.” Armin said after several long heartbeats.

“Okay. I'll try to limit my compliments to one every half hour then.” Jean smiled and pulled his hand away. He picked up his menu and glanced down at the sandwiches. “So do famous authors like tuna fish or is that beneath you?”

Armin smiled at the way Jean broke the seriousness of the mood and picked up his own menu again. “I might consider eating peasant food if you buy it for me. I wouldn't want to break your bank by insisting on lobster and calamari.”

“Lobster and calamari, you say...” Jean raised a brow at Armin in amusement. “If that is what my favorite author likes then perhaps I'll have to take him out to a proper dinner. Maybe he'll agree to see a movie with me too?”

“Oh please. You don't even know if you like my writing.” Armin brushed the flattery away.

“Well, you could always give me a copy of what you're working on,” Jean suggested, peeking out from behind his menu. He looked over at Armin with a hopeful expression.

“Oh, I couldn't. It's not nearly close enough to complete.” Armin replied, his voice wavering slightly. His mind told him to be honest before things went any further, but his desperation to be liked and admired held onto the lie.

“I won't pressure you, but if you ever are willing to share I'd be happy to read whatever you have,” Jean said honestly.

“Are you guys doing okay? Do you have any questions about the menu?” A happy voice floated over them, causing both men to look up. It belonged to a girl with auburn hair and warm brown eyes. She smiled down at them as she balanced some dirty dishes in her left hand. The Crimson Frog didn't actually have waitresses, but the staff was known for being friendly and helpful.

“Sasha?” Armin stared up at the girl in surprise. She was one of his former classmates in high school and graduated the same year he did, only a month and a half before her daughter was born. She and Connie had been the center of gossip for their whole senior year, and not all of it was positive. However, she and Connie stuck together like glue and they seemed happy with each other. Armin had watched silently on Facebook as Sasha and Connie posted picture after picture of their daughter and they seemed to be happy.

“Oh wow! Armin, I didn't recognize you! You're not chubby anymore or covered in bruises!” Sasha smiled excitedly. “Are you on leave from the military? Are Eren and Mikasa home too?”

Armin's face flushed red as he stared up at her in disbelief. How had his date been going so well only to have Sasha bring up three points of shame all at once? He didn't think she meant it, but it still stung to feel so embarrassed in front of Jean. 

“Oh...I'm not in the military anymore, but Eren and Mikasa are. They're still overseas, but they promised to tell me when they were coming home next. It's sometime in the next few months, hopefully.” He intentionally shifted the focus to his two best friends in the hopes that Sasha wouldn't bring up anything else embarrassing.

“You're not in the military? But you three were attached at the hip. I thought for sure you'd all be serving together.” Sasha looked thoughtful. “So what are you doing with yourself now? I haven't seen you in ages!”

“Actually once you're through boot camp, you don't have as much say in where you go as you might think. Especially if you're deployed overseas.” Jean spoke up, drawing the attention of the conversation away from Armin.

“Oh, are you in the military?” Sasha asked curiously.

“I was.” Jean pointed to his face. “I was hit with shrapnel from a landmine. I'm blind in my right eye so they discharged me because I couldn't serve anymore.”

“Oh, I'm so sorry!” Sasha's said genuinely and shifted the heavy dishes in her arms. “Well, I better take these back to the kitchen. “If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask. And Armin,” Sasha turned her head towards her old friend, “message me on Facebook later. We should get together sometime. Connie too. I know he'd love to see you and my daughter gives great hugs!”

“Yeah...okay.” Armin nodded and Sasha left them alone again.

“She's a friend?” Jean asked. He had sensed Armin's discomfort with her line of questioning, but he didn't want to overstep his boundaries and be rude.

“We went to high school together. I used to tutor her in math. She became pregnant during our senior year and had a hard time keeping up. We weren't super close, but she did stand up for me a lot.” Armin replied honestly, but a little withdrawn.

“Stood up for you?” Jean cocked his head to the side. “Were you bullied? Is that what she meant by covered in bruises?”

“Yeah... I wasn't very good at defending myself. I'm good with words, but not with my fists. But no one wanted to go through a pregnant girl to get to me. It was kind of humiliating, actually.” Armin answered, and wished the conversation would just move on.

“There's nothing humiliating about having friends that are willing to stand up for you. That speaks more to your character as a person than being able to throw a punch.” Jean replied seriously as he brushed the back of Armin's hand with his own again. “Don't beat yourself up for it. That's just letting them win.”

Armin smiled softly up at Jean. The other man's hand on his own was comforting, but not pushy and his words were genuine and not condescending. “You sound like you speak from experience,” Armin spoke softly.

“That was actually something my mom used to say to me. There were a lot of bigger guys at my school and I didn't always walk the straight and narrow. Instead of resisting the bullies at my school, I joined them. I thought I was just protecting myself, but it was actually pretty harmful. When my mom found out that I had smashed another kid's lunch with my bully friends, she made me write a personal letter of apology and make that kid lunch every day for a week. I was only ten, but that kid ended up becoming my best friend and the importance of being kind to people has stuck with me since then.” Jean explained.

“Didn't that cause the bullies at your school to turn on you? Mine was like that. You couldn't leave their ranks without paying for it. They were like a gang.” Armin asked.

“Yeah at first they gave me hell. But my parents made sure I got lots of ice cream and sometimes a new video game when I stood up for myself or my new friend. They bought me self-defense lessons too and I caught on pretty quickly. Eventually, they just left me alone for the most part.” Jean explained. 

“Your mom sounds like a great person.” Armin smiled softly as his stomach started doing flips again.

“She is.” Jean smiled back. “What's your mom like?”

“Oh... well she passed away when I was a kid.” Armin grimaced, not wanting to talk about anything else sad. “Should we order our food? I'm getting hungry.”

“Yeah, let's do that.” Jean agreed, taking the hint that Armin didn't want to talk about his mom. “I think I will get the tuna melt. What do you want? I told you I'd buy you coffee too. You said you like lattes, right? I'll go up and place our orders.”

“Can you just get me a BLT and a hot mocha?” Armin asked, smiling as Jean stood up.

“Sure thing.” Jean smiled back and headed up to the counter to order.

Armin watched over his shoulder as Jean walked up to the registers to order their lunch. He smiled to himself as he thought about how easy it was to talk to Jean. Even though some sensitive topics had come up, Jean hadn’t pushed him past his limit. Talking with Jean was like a breath of fresh air. He wasn’t smothering like Grandpa, and there was no pressure like with Erwin. The conversation just flowed naturally and for once, Armin wasn’t counting down the minutes until the event was over. 

“Your friend Sasha said she’d bring our order to the table,” Jean said as he returned, stuffing his receipt into his wallet as he sat back down. “This is a really nice place. It’s changed a lot since I was here last, but in a good way.” 

“When were you here before?” Armin asked curiously as he looked around. It was a bit different from the last time he had visited also. Some of the furniture looked more worn down, but some of it had been replaced. The artificial fireplace was new, and there were flyers up on the walls advertising open mic nights. 

“Not since high school. I graduated about 9 years ago so it’s been quite a while. I joined the Marines right after that and got shipped overseas for a while. Any time I did get to come back home, I spent it mostly with my family so I never came back here until today.” 

“Were you in the marines for a long time?” Armin asked, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. 

“I was discharged about two years ago.” Jean pointed to his eye again. “The shrapnel blinded this eye so I can’t serve anymore.” 

“I’m sorry.” Armin frowned apologetically. “Do you miss it?” 

Jean’s face took on an expression that Armin couldn’t read. “I enjoyed it for a time, but I wouldn’t want to go back now.” 

Their conversation died after that. Armin felt like he had probably asked a question that was too personal, and he couldn’t tell how Jean was feeling to know how to proceed. 

“How are we doing?” Sasha’s voice invaded their space as she set down two big mugs that were painted a cheerful yellow. “Armin, I added some caramel to yours, because I remembered that’s how you liked it in high school!” She winked and then stepped back for the girl behind her to set down their plates. 

“Thanks, Sasha.” Armin smiled at her. He remembered how kind she had always been to him, and he couldn’t stay irritated at her for the painful topics she had unknowingly brought up. 

“I hope you enjoy your meals!” The girl who carried their plates smiled at them timidly. She was tiny with blond hair that was pulled back into a perfect braid. On her pink blouse, she wore a name tag with a ribbon displaying that she was a new team member. 

“Thank you, Christa. It looks perfect.” Jean smiled at her. 

“Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you!” She returned the smile and then scurried back to the register to wait on a customer who had just walked in. 

“Isn’t she sweet?! I just hired her last week, and I think she’s going to work out great! She’s in her senior year at Rosewood High. Doesn’t that just take you back, Armin?” Sasha smiled. “We used to come in here all the time for you to tutor me and now I manage this place.” 

“I remember you complaining about having to drink decaf banana lattes every time.” Armin roller his eyes, but smiled at the memory. “But congratulations on your job! I always knew you’d work in food one day!” 

“Thank you! You have to come in again so I can show you all the things I’ve added to the menu!” Sasha was grinning ear to ear. 

“Excuse me, Sasha! The card reader isn’t working!” Christa called over. She was pink in the face and obviously very flustered. 

“Well, I’ll let you two eat your lunches!” Sasha still smiled, but it was obvious she wanted to stick around and catch up some more. 

“You went to Rosewood?” Jean asked as soon as Sasha left. 

“Yes. It’s within walking distance of here. That’s why I always tutored here in this cafe.” Armin explained and took a tiny bite from one of his chips. 

“I used to go to Rosewood too. I don’t think I remember you though.” Jean replied as he tried to think back on his high school years. 

“Well, I only graduated four years ago. So I would have still been in middle school your senior year.” Armin replied. It didn’t hit either of them until that moment how much of an age gap they had. 

“I guess I’m a lot younger than you. Is...is that okay?” Armin looked up at Jean uncertainty. It would be just his luck to find someone that he was actually willing to meet in real life only to be turned down because he was too young. 

“Armin I didn’t ask you out because I thought we were the same age. I asked you out because I think you’re charming and smart, and very adorable.” Jean reassured him and gently brushed his foot against Armin’s under the table. 

“H-hey, you said one compliment every half hour. That was three.” Armin visibly blushed and looked away nervously. 

“Is it a compliment if it’s a fact?” Jean asked as his foot became a little more insistent. 

Armin pulled his feet under his chair and his shoulders pulled inward and hunched. “Um...I’m not...I’m not out of the closet to anyone yet. Could you… could you please just… not touch me in public?” 

“Oh! I’m sorry.” Jean pulled his feet away as well and adjusted his posture to not lean in so much. “I just…I thought you were flirting back so I assumed it was okay. I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

Armin looked up to see that Jean was actually genuinely sorry. He relaxed a little and dropped his shoulders. “I’m sorry too. I should have said something last night before we met.” 

“So… can I ask what your intentions were with this date then?” Jean asked gently, but seriously. 

Armin felt his face flush a deep shade of red and there was a distinct sting behind his eyes. “The truth is...I’m not sure what I want exactly. You probably think I’m awful because I’m sure you were expecting someone who was ready to jump into a relationship with both feet, and I can’t give you that. Not yet, anyway.” He whispered with one hand shielding his face. 

Jean pursed his lips and looked like he wanted to say something. Instead, he gently pushed Armin’s mocha closer to him. “Why don’t we finish our lunch and go somewhere else to talk. Somewhere that we won’t be overheard.” 

“I’m...I’m sorry.” Armin nodded, doing his best to hold himself together. He felt like he was suddenly floundering in regret and guilt. 

“I’m not mad, Armin. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.” Jean tried to reassure him. “For instance, if you don’t want to be murdered, I should know that before I try to show you my knife collection. Make sense?” 

The absurdity of Jean’s example cracked Armin’s face into a smile and he gave a tiny laugh of relief. “To be frank with you, being murdered, or murdering someone myself isn’t something I’m really interested in. Unless maybe we’re talking about mystery novels.” 

“I could give you some recommendations if that’s what you want. Although, as an author, I’m sure you’ve read many more books than me.” Jean smiled. 

Just like that, their conversation returned to light-hearted banter, very similar to how they spoke to each other over the previous months online. Armin was able to relax again and the time flew by quickly. Armin was even able to finish most of his sandwich and half of his chips. 

“So… I don’t want to pressure you, but if you still want to talk more privately today, I could drive us somewhere.” Jean offered. He wasn’t sure if Armin trusted him like that yet, but he wanted to at least put it on the table. 

Armin finished off the last of his mocha and set his mug down before answering. “Where do you want to go?” 

“I was thinking maybe the park? Although it’s a little cold outside. We could sit in my car to talk. I know that’s not very glamorous… or we could go somewhere no one knows us.” Jean gave a few suggestions. “Is there someplace you’d like to go?” 

“I don’t want to be out much longer. My grandfather will be expecting me home soon. There is a park near here on my way home. I don’t mind talking in the car.” Armin smiled. As much as he enjoyed the warmth of the coffee shop, he knew he needed to talk to Jean more openly about his feelings towards dating. 

“As long as you don’t mind sitting in my car, I’m down for that.” Jean smiled back and stood up. He almost tried to pull out Armin’s chair for him but caught himself just in time. 

“My friends and I used to sit in one of our cars talking endlessly about everything. Cars always resonated as the perfect place for deep conversations with me.” Armin replied as he stood and stretched before they headed for the door. 

“Bye, Armin! Come back again soon!” Sasha called out to them. 

Armin waved back before reemerging into the wind and following Jean to his car in the small parking lot. He paused when Jean used his key fob to unlock his vehicle. “You have a blue Honda?” He cocked his head to the side and smiled in amusement. 

“It’s a Civic Si… Is that okay?” Jean asked uncertainly.

“It’s just… I have a blue Honda too.” Armin giggled and opened the passenger side door to get in. “Yours is sportier though. I like it. And you keep it cleaner than I used to keep my car.” 

“Used to?” Jean asked as he sat down and buckled his seatbelt. 

“Yeah...When I was younger.” Armin said quickly and busied himself with his own buckle. He silently reprimanded himself for not being more careful with his words. He didn’t want Jean to know just how much trash he had let pile up before Grandpa made him clean it out. The only reason it had stayed clean was that he didn’t drive anymore. Keeping up the lie of his _normal_ life was much easier through text. 

“I was the same way with my bedroom as a kid. I’m only a little better now.” Jean smiled over at him as he started the car. “But I’ve always taken pride in my cars, even when all I had was an old Nissan with a busted AC.” 

“That must have sucked in the summer.” 

“I mostly hung out with my best friend, and his car had AC but no heat. We traded off driving depending on the season.” Jean smiled at the memory before his face fell into a sad frown. 

“Are you okay?” Armin asked after a few minutes had passed and Jean hadn’t said a word or even moved. Armin had watched the expression on Jean’s face slowly fade until he just looked blank. “Jean?” 

“Hm?” Jean’s eyes refocused and he turned to look over at Armin who was beginning to worry. 

“I asked if you were okay,” Armin repeated and reached out to gently touch Jean’s shoulder. 

“I’m okay. I just… I lost that friend and I really miss him sometimes.” Jean sighed and took Armin’s hand in his own. “Thanks for bringing me back. I’ll drive to the park now.” He forced a smile and put the key in the ignition. 

“I’m sorry about your friend,” Armin replied sympathetically as Jean pulled out of the lot and headed for the park that was just a few blocks away from Armin’s house. 

“It’s okay. I’m learning to live without him. Sometimes it’s hard, but talking to you makes it easier.” 

Armin blushed visibly red and looked down into his lap, not sure what to say. Jean didn’t seem to be one to hold back on the flattery. 

“I’m sorry! That...that wasn’t supposed to sound so needy and attached. I just...I enjoy our conversations and they give me something to focus on.” Jean tried to correct himself. 

“You’re digging that hole even bigger, aren’t you?” Armin smirked at the way Jean seemed to be fumbling for words. 

“Yeah… Let’s move on.” Jean blushed too and looked straight ahead as he navigated through traffic and into the parking lot. He stopped on the edge of the lot, parking under a tree, but left the car running so they could enjoy the heater. There was a playground behind them that had changed a few times since Armin had played there himself, but the area was still familiar and it brought him comfort. 

Armin stayed quiet at first, unsure how to start the conversation they had gone to the park to have. He felt awkward and hadn’t honestly given as much thought into what he wanted, as he would have liked. Ever since he agreed to go out with Jean, he’d felt like he was flying by the seat of his pants. 

“So... um….obviously, I like you.” Jean started awkwardly. “But I don’t want to pursue anything with you if you don’t want me to.” 

“I don’t _not_ want you to, I’m just not sure how this will work,” Armin said thoughtfully. His mind was racing through all the different possibilities of how their relationship if one even developed, could fail or succeed. It felt like a jumbled mess of half thought out scenarios, and he was starting to feel suffocated by it all. 

“What...um… Are you asking how dating works?” Jean asked, feeling dumbfounded by the broadness of Armin’s statement. 

“Actually...I only dated once in high school, and it wasn’t a good experience.” Armin blushed and bit his lip. 

“Wow, you are asking how dating works.” 

“That’s not what I meant… I understand the concept, I just don’t know how I will keep this a secret.” Armin frowned. It stung that Jean thought he was clueless. 

“When you say you don’t know how you _will_ keep this a secret do mean you have intentions with me?” Jean raised one eyebrow. 

Armin’s blush reaches his ears and he had to force himself to look Jean in the face. “I...I would like to date you. I really enjoy your company. I feel more at ease with you than most people, and… your scar actually is very sexy in my opinion and… yeah… you could say I have intentions.” 

Jean grinned back at Armin and took his hands in his own. “You’re cute when you're fluttered.” 

Armin didn’t say anything, but he didn’t pull his hands away either. He grasped Jean’s in his own, enjoying how warm and comforting they were.

“I have to ask though...do you ever intend to come out of the closet? If our dating turned into a relationship, I’d really like to introduce you to my parents, hold your hand in public, and even post pictures of us on social media. That’s what I’m looking for. I want it to be with you.” Jean added more seriously. 

“I understand.” Armin signed and pulled his hand away. “I don’t want to keep you from having that, but I don’t know when I’ll be ready to come out. My grandpa… he knows everyone in this town so if anyone found out, so would he. I’m just… not ready to tell him yet.” 

“Can I ask why?” Jean was trying not to pry, but he felt like he should know if Armin coming out would cause turbulence at home. He certainly didn’t want to pressure him to come out if it was going to make his home life toxic. 

“It’s hard to explain in a way that makes sense.” Armin looked down into his lap again. “My grandpa isn’t religious or anything, so it’s not that. But he does like to bring up great-grandchildren sometimes. And he’s told me that he knows I’m not gay and I just feel like I would become such a disappointment if he found out.” Armin said lamely. Talking about it out loud made it sound like so much less of a big deal than it felt. 

“I understand that,” Jean said softly and reached over to take one of Armin’s hands again. “When I was in high school my dad used to talk about what he called “the plan”. He basically mapped out my whole life for me. He got a credit card in my name and helped me build good credit, he told me what branch of the military to apply to, and how long I should serve before getting out to start a family. Then he was going to turn the family business over to me so he could retire. It wasn’t necessarily a bad plan, and he took my interests into account but… I don’t have a particular interest in his real estate business, and I didn’t join the branch of the military he wanted. And of course, my interest in men wasn’t part of “the plan” either.” 

“Does he know now?” Armin asked quietly. Jean’s life seemed so different from his, yet he could easily relate to Jean’s story. 

“Oh yeah. He caught me fooling around with my best friend in my junior year. He told me he wasn’t surprised or upset, just disappointed that I didn’t make him include that in “the plan” when I first realized I wasn’t interested in girls.” 

“What about your mom?” 

“She was a little more emotionally supportive.” Jean smiled as he thought about it. “The point is, I was scared to death when my dad walked in on me getting head, but it turned out to be much less of a big deal. I know your grandpa and my parents are separate people, but I hope you eventually find that he’s just as accepting.” 

“Thanks. I would like that.” Armin said softly as Jean’s thumb rubbed over his knuckles. 

“If you didn’t have to worry about your grandpa finding out, or even say he already accepted you, what do you want?” Jean asked gently. 

“What do I want?” 

“Yeah. Obviously, you want something or you wouldn’t have joined Grindr.” Jean encouraged. 

“I want… I want to not be lonely anymore.” Armin replied, sounding the most vulnerable he had all day. “I want a relationship with you. Even if it’s just a friendship. Although, I do feel attracted to you.” 

“Is coming out something you think you could do. Eventually. I don’t expect you to make changes for me immediately, or even at all. But I do want us to be honest about what we’re looking for.” 

“I… ideally I don’t want to be in the closet forever. I know coming out is something I need to do for myself, but there was never really a need until now.” Armin replied honestly. He didn’t want to lose Jean, but he knew honesty was important, even if he wasn’t honest about everything yet. 

“How about I take you out a few more times, a few towns over, and if things develop we’ll take it from there. We’ll just do this one step at a time. And when you can eventually come out to your grandpa, I’ll be there for you. I’ll be there whether that means congratulating you and taking you out for a celebratory dinner, or giving you a place to sleep. Whatever you need.” Jean suggested. 

“Not that I’m complaining, but you’re committing to a lot up front,” Armin observed. He was wearing a small smile and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He wasn’t alone anymore. 

“I guess I’m lonely too.” Jean blushed. “Plus, you’re the only one that thinks my scar is sexy. Most people just stare at it.” He tried to joke, but there was a pang of honesty in his voice. 

“Can I touch it?” Armin asked, remembering how Marco had felt a sense of acceptance whenever Armin acknowledged that his prosthetics were part of him and not something that happened to him. 

“Okay.” Jean nodded and held still as Armin reached out to gently touch his scar tissue. He closed his eyes as Armin’s fingers traced around it, and then cupped the side of his face. 

“Jean… you really are very handsome. Even if it’s not me, you deserve someone who thinks that and tells you so.” 

“Armin, if you make me fall in love with you…” Jean pulled Armin’s open palm to his lips and gave him a small kiss. 

Armin blushed as he felt a spark of excitement in his belly at the thought of truly and actually falling in love. He would have someone to share his happiness with and comfort him when he was sad. But more than that, he’d have someone that loved him, not out of obligation, but because of his own merits. He’d have someone to care for and prove his love in a way that gave back everything he took. 

“I should probably get home,” Armin said reluctantly. He wanted to stay and see where things went, but he knew Grandpa was likely back already and would be wondering where he was. 

“Yeah..” Jean let go of Armin’s hand. “But I will be taking you to dinner soon.” 

“I’m looking forward to it.” Armin smiled genuinely without holding back. 

“Can I give you a ride home?” 

“I think it would be better if I walked home. I told my grandpa I would be out for a walk today and I’d like to tell him about my new friend before sees you.” Armin replied a little reluctantly. 

“I don’t have to come in, Armin. I can just drop you off.” Jean offered. 

“I know. But just in case he looks out the window or something.” Armin insisted, knowing how out of character it was for him to have left the house on his own, let alone to go interact with someone Grandpa didn’t know.

“Alright, but text me when you get home then.” Jean agreed and pulled his beanie off his head and handed it over to Armin. “And wear this. It’s cold outside.” 

Armin took the gray knit hat and pulled it over his hair. It was warm and smelled like laundry detergent and shampoo. “Thanks.” Armin smiled gratefully up at Jean as he adjusted it a bit. “I’ll give it back next time I see you.” 

Jean winked. “That’s the point. Now you’ll have to see me again.”

“We’ll make plans later then,” Armin replied. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to do or say anything specific to be able to walk away gracefully. He tried to remember how he had said goodbye to his friends before but this was different. 

“Did you change your mind about the ride?” Jean asked when Armin didn’t get out of the car. 

“No. No, thank you. A-and thank you for lunch.” Armin sputtered awkwardly and finally unbuckled and opened his door. 

“I’ll talk to you later, Armin,” Jean called as Armin closed the door behind him. 

Armin waved and then hurried to the park entrance. He waited until he was out of sight before he broke into a run. If there was any chance he could get home before Grandpa did, he was going to take it. The park was close enough to his house that he knew he could make it home in three minutes at a full run. Or at least he could when he was a kid. 

When he rounded the corner of the block he noticed Grandpa’s car in the driveway. He was too late to get there first, but that didn’t stop Armin from hurrying to the front door. His hands shook as he tried to put his key in the deadbolt. He almost dropped them twice before managing to open the door. Once inside, he closed the door as quickly and quietly as possible. 

“There you are! Armin, where were you? I was so worried!” Grandpa looked torn between angry and relieved when he came around the corner to see his grandson standing there in some of his dressiest clothes and a hat he’d never seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr for updates on this and my other stories [here](https://tea--is-not-leaf-juice.tumblr.com/)!

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter was short, but I have more to come. Thank you for reading and if you liked it, I'd be super grateful if you left kudos and even a comment. I try my best to respond to everyone, as every reader is very important to me.


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